Things started off like he was my prince charming, taking me on trips, buying me things, absolutly spoiling me. But when we would fight, it was awful, really when he would drink. I am not somoene who could step down and take it, I gave it right back, but when he would lay his hands on me, there was nothing that I did to deserve that. I saw that now, but there is dtill aprat of me that thinks I did. I guess that is the abusive mind, that he was able to manipulate me so much that I feel like I did do things to deserve that.

I try every day and some days, weeks, months, not years yet go by and I do not think about it. Then there are those times where I feel less than adequate as a person and all of the sudden I fall back into the visicous cycle of self-doubt and loathing that brings me to my knees.

He is married now and I hear that he is happiest ever. That hurst even more because he never felt the pain, the physical pain of having someone you love stand over you and beat your head to the ground with his foot. Hit you so hard you would litterally go in and out of conciousness. Stand over you and tell you that you deserve this beating. Walk away from you and pretend that it is your fault, and it is not my fault. It is not my fault that he beat me that bad, but it was my fault that I went back, that I sit here today and think about how much I love him and wish that he were with me and not his wife. I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK! I cannot make him feel sorry for what he did, and he does not. I cannot make him relive this in his head becuase I do. I cannot make sure that he gets his back. I CAN move past this and realize that there is nothing in this world that would ever make me take him back. That he is the one the lost out on me. That he can lie, cheat and hurt everyone else around him, but that will never be me! That he can fool the whole world except for the persona that knows him best, me. I know that I am better off without him and I do not need to love what I have in my head of him, that the reality is that he is an egotistical, lying, cheating and abusive man who probably has a hard enough time every day remembering what he has lied aboiut and how he will make people think that he has it all together. I know that everyday I will live my life looking forward and never looking back on his sorry ass. He is no longer worth any of my time and I cannot control anything that has, will or might happen in his life, only mine.

So while this may not help anyone else, it really helped me to wrap my head around this. I have had a hard time with trust and love. I am with a wonderful man that would never even so much as think about what he did to me. I have been too consumed to really let him in. He is wonderful anf maybe I feel like I deserve the abuse as I do not deserve to be happy, but I do. Doesn’t everyone? I’m not an innocent angel but I think that everyone deserves a second chance in life and this is mine. This is mine and I am not going to let him steal anymore of my time or happiness. Maybe that is really it, the abuse has broken me down so that I did not feel worthy of another man, of happiness. That all of this has been an affect of the abuse and why I have felt this way. He broke me down so much more than I have ever been willing to admit. He is still controlling me. He was controlling me. He was……………………………..never again

Hurts to breathe.

:(

Tramadol. Cheapest tramadol available online….

And to all you people making fakes of the shoe, shame on you! Just wait until the real ones come, you fakers!