One of the things I do and suggest to other people is to write exactly what’s on your mind. I’ve done this for years and it helped me through a couple of relationship ends and other difficult times in my life. Buy a $3 notebook and put pen to paper.

It was cathartic to get it all down, but it also helped down the road when I read what I’d written 6, 9 or 12 months prior. It gave me perspective. People say you should forget the bad stuff from the past. I agree unless you can learn from it. And writing has given me the opportunity.

This is also a good habit to get into when travelling.

Best of luck to your friends, Matt.

I drank heavily and acted like an asshole. But, you know, I was 19 years old and it seemed to help at the time. *grin*

Although I did find carrying around a list of the person’s faults helped, too. You know, when you’re feeling shitty, you pull it out and remind yourself it’s all for the best.

Watching friends suffer is horrible. It’s also frustrating, because there are limits to what you can do: it’s their relationship, their grief, and their lonesome valley — you can’t walk it for them.

A relationship ending is a death and it has to be grieved. What’s worse, THREE things have died: the relationship they were in; the relationship they THOUGHT they were in; and the relationship-in-the-sky they were HOPING to be in. So the first thing friends have to remember is that “getting over it” is likely to be a time-consuming process. And “over” probably isn’t the right word, even — “through,” maybe? If the other party was unfaithful, abusive, inconsiderate, mean, selfish, or otherwise “bad,” then they also get to feel stupid because they didn’t see it sooner. Recovery is a very variable process — grieving usually brings up memories and feelings of all our other losses — if we’ve recovered well from those, we usually recover from whatever comes next. If we carry a lot of unresolved grief, the process is a bear. If you’ve been around for other losses your friends have suffered, you may have some good ideas about what has been supportive to them. If the losses of the relationship involve housing, income, children or pets, there may be a lot of practical support you can provide – just finding phone numbers, addresses, people to consult with can be a great help. My own feeling is that no matter how painful a breakup is, it’s way less painful than being in a continuing relationship that SHOULD have broken up.

From a purely practical point of view, the big problem, initially, is TIME. There are huge blanks in the day now — all the time they spent with the other person, the time they spent thinking about him/her, the time they spent thinking/planning about the relationship….. So it’s a good time to start or re-start a hobby. Creative work seems to be especially helpful – this might be the time to dive into Chinese watercolors or butter sculpture. If they’ve been exercising, they need to keep it up; if not, a good friend to go for walks with them (or swimming or yoga class) is wonderful. People who are into their space might like to do a little redecorating — and they might not, too. It’s never a bad idea for them to volunteer to help someone else — they may not want or be able to make a regular commitment, but there are usually one-shot deals (moving books for the library) available. My own preference is lots of reading (but that’s my answer to everything!), and I think novels are preferable to the majority of self-help books. Read all the Harry Potters right through – THERE’S someone who knows about loss!

And the big difficulty for friends is that there is no one way because people grieve differently. Avoiding alcohol and other drugs is a good idea; encouraging healthy interactions with the world is good — but beyond that, some people are refreshed by time alone and some sink into despair. Journaling really helps some people and makes others feel way more miserable. Sometimes it’s good for them to talk and kind for you to listen; sometimes it would be better if you diverted them a bit. If you know them well enough to know how they handled other losses, that would give you some clues. You just have to use your friend instincts, hope for the best, and make course corrections as you go along. It is almost impossible for you to do anything so bad that it can’t be corrected fairly easily.) Encouraging fun is always good, and fortunately there movies! Some people like to mark the end of a relationship with a ritual (no, NOT a human sacrifice ); others think that’s the stupidest idea they’ve ever heard. It helps to have a spiritual practice. Friends who have pets are likely to be better off.

All this is to say it hurts; it takes time; and there’s only so much you can do. No matter how much they need, make sure you’re taking good care of yourself first. Don’t be surprised if you want them to be “over it” WAAY before they are ready. People with complicated grief reactions should see grief counselors. Friends are only obligated to be friends, not saviors. Indeed, just being a friend, doing all the friend things you’ve always done, is a bigger support than you know. Everything in life is better with friends – good luck to all of you!

(Hey, everybody – I apologize for the incredible length of this post. I had sent it to Matt – in slightly different form – as an email, and he asked if I would put it here, so I am. It’s really an AWFUL lot of words, though!)

Recognizing that you have to move on and recognizing that it’s going to take time. Bad thing to do: think starting new relationships of any kind (including one night stands and whatnot) will help. They just delay the healing process.

When my slut bitch of a girlfriend revealed some news to me via late night phone call, I was furious. I ransacked my room for everything she ever gave to me or that we shared for the past 1.5 years and brought them with me to work the next morning. I FedEx overnighted them to her work [at a Kinko’s] - I had free access to FedEx at work which I never abused until that day. I sent them to her work because someone had to be there to sign for it, but subconsciously, I’m sure I did it to be more public.

This breakup was pretty horrible and dragged on for a bit, but this was my immediate action.

It felt _good_

I went through this about ten years ago and it rocked my world (and not in a good way). The first thing you have to do (and most importantly) is admit defeat and let yourself grieve (it’s almost like experiencing a death). You also have to understand that anger might play into your emotions as well so try and keep a hold on to that emotion and don’t take it out on the wrong people. The other thing, is have a sounding board, find a good friend with a sympathetic ear, someone who will just let you go and LET IT OUT. Cry if you have to, rave if that helps, and allow a bit of wallowing in self pity (you earned it).

Once you have the initial hurt out of you system, the next thing that must be done is to remove things from your environment that remind you of your ex. Kind of like what Angela Bassett did in “Waiting to Exhale” with her Love Hang Over yard sale. Or you can do what I did. I took all of Mr. Ex’s crap that was still here and I gave it away and the stuff I could not give away I threw away — it felt very liberating.

Next, just get away from everything and everyone. If you can afford it, go take a plane trip somewhere and pamper yourself. If you can’t afford that, then just take yourself to the beach or to the mountains or maybe just go to a mall or museum (provided it was not a place you ever went to with your ex). At the very least, go out and get yourself a frivolous gift, even if it’s just a fattening lunch because again, you have earned it.

And finally, believe it or not, hold on to this thought; As bad as it feels now, in time it will pass and you will move on and life will get good again. I swear to god, I’ve lived this and I know how true it is.

The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.

The practice of Bikram yoga, every day, without fail, helped me get over a really really bad ending to a really really fucked up relationship.

Sweat it out, people.

i find that talking to god about everything and trusting that it is all part of a greater plan for your life is the most comforting solution. give yourself time to heal dont put time limits on it.a relationship is not built in days or weeks, so dont expect to be over one too quickly. also remember that if it is truely gods will for a person to be in your life, god will lead them back to you.allow yourself to be angry or to throw things, to scream, cry, do what you feel you gotta do, so that you can go on with your life and be the most positive poerson you can be,peace!!!!!!!!!

My friends have been there for me this past summer. A summer filled with my overdue hard core look at a relationship I was in and how destructive it has been. The best thing that they did for me was to listen without judging me or telling me what to do. Giving me their undivided, never ending support — regardless of what my choice was. The helped to remind me about the girl they knew before this relationship (much happier and confident). They were honest with me and told me how things looked to them from an outside perspective. They helped me recognize that I had settled for way less than I deserved and always encouraged me that I would find that one man. The were an example with their own life — allowing me to see them with their husband’s/boyfriends and see how a healthy relationship acts. They filled my mind with thoughts like “you can do it”, “you will be so much happier”, “love yourself”, and “call me day or night”. They gave me books and CD’s (my passion) so I wasn’t listening to music from the past. They scheduled lots of girls night out and took my cell phone from me. They became my backbone when I had none and instilled my faith again in what love should feel like — really, really good. They gave that kind of love to me.

i AM AN EX PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND FEEL CLUELESS AS TO HOW TO DEAL WITH THE END OF MY RELATIONSHIP. AT 41 YEARS OLD, AFTER MEETING OVER THE INTERNET, THEN IN PERSON FLYING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY GETTING A HUGE ENGAGEMENT RING, FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE FAMILY, AND THEN FINDING MY PRINCE WAS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. I COULDN’T TELL AT FIRST, HE WAS SUCH A PRINCE, GIVING GIFTS, TIME, EVEN CRYING WITH ME WHEN SAD, ONLY TO BECOME HARDENED AT TEH END OF TEH TRIP AND THEN ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP A MONTH LATER OVER THE PHONE AS i EMAILED ABOUT HIS FREQUENT PUTTING ME DOWN FOR BEING IN BETWEEN CAREERS AND NOT AS FOCUSED AND DIRECTED AS HE NEEDED ME TO BE. HE UNDERMINDED MY CONFIDENCE AFTER SPENDING MONTHS BUILDING IT UP. WHEN CONFRONTED WITH HIS BEHAVIOR HE TOLD ME I WS MEAN AND HURTFUL AND COULD NEVER FORGIVE ME AND I WAS JUST TELLING TEH TRUTH. WHAT I LEARNED, IF I MAY PUT MY CLINICAL EXPERIENCE TO TEH TEST IS THAT HE IS A NARCISSIST/ BORDERLINE PERSONALTY DISORDERED PERSON. LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET IF YOU DON’T KOW WHAT IT MEANS BECAUS IT WILL SAVE YOU FROM BALMING YOURSELF WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS. I CAN TELL YOU THIS, BE CAREFUL OF PEOPLE WHO PROMISE THE WORLD, MAKE IMMEDIATE PROMISES, AND IMPULSIVELY BY YOU 7,000 DOLLAR RINGS! i WOULD HAHVE BEEN HAPPY WITH HIM JUST ENJOYING GOING TO CHURCH TOGETHER. SO WHY IS THIS SO PAINFUL IF HE TURNED OUT TO BE SUCH A JERK? BECAUSE HE REMINDS ME OF HOW MY FATHER TREATED ME AND MEN PRIOR TO HIM SO I AM GRIEVING TEH LOSSES OF SOOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE, NOT TO MENTION TWO DEATHS I HAD IN CHILDHOOD. SO I GUESS IT ISN’T ALL ABOUT HIM IT IS THE REJECTION AND ABANDONMENT I FELT AS A CHILD AND THROUGHOUT MY LIFE WITH UNDESERVING MEN. MY ADVICE, IF IT HURTS GET A GOOD THERAPIST, DON’T BLAME YOURSELF TOO MUCH. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT TEHRE WHO WILL ALWAYS PUT THEIR BEST FOOT FORWARD, AND THE OTHER ONE , WELL WATCH OUT. THEY SAY IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO SEE SOMEONE’S TRUE COLORS, WHAT A PERSON IS IN THE BEGINNNING MAY BE AN ACT, A FRONT TO WIN YOU OVER, BUT EVENTUALLY THE TRUTH COMES OUT. IT WILL SET YOU FREE, BUT IT MAY HURT. IT IS ALL TOO RAW FOR ME, I MAY JUST CHANGE MY NUMBER AND EMAIL AND SO I WILL NEVER KNOW IF HE CALLLS OR TIRES TO GET ME AND NO MORE WONDERING “WHAT IF” WHEN TEH “UNKNOWN NUMBER” OR “OUT OF AREA” CALL COMES IN WITH A HANG UP. SOOOOO, GET TO COUNSELING, DON’T BLAME YOURSELF IF YOU WERE KIND AND GAVE IT YOUR BEST, LOOK UP NARCISSISTIC/ BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DOSORDER AND YOU MAY FIND YOUR EX AND BE RELIEVED NEVER TO HAVE TO HEAR THEIR SELFISH VOICE AGAIN. I GUESS IF IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT USUALLY IS, AND TO BE WEARY OF SELLING YOUR SOUL TO TEH DEVIL. hE PROMISED TO BECOME CLOSER TO GOD AND WHEN I GOT TO ENGLAND HE DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO DEAL WITH THE ISSUE. SO, I HAVE CRIED, BEEN TO COUNSELING, DRIVEN MY FMAILY CRAZY, ONLY TO LEARN, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER DOESN’T MEAN IT WON’T HURT. BUT TO YOU WOMEN OUT THERE, NOONE DESRVES VERBAL ABUSE, EVEN IF THEY ARE GETTING EVERY MATERIAL COMFORT IN TEH WORLD. I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH JUST A LITTLE EMOTIONAL STABILITY. BE WEARY OF PEOPLE WHO PUT MONEY BEFORE GOD, THER WILL BE NO ROOM FOR YOU IN THE RELATIONSHIP. SINCERELY, KRISTIN BROOKS

To All The Broken Hearted,

The sad truth is, if you really loved, I mean deeply and truly, and you were loved in return, you will never be over the end of that relationship. It will be the hardest thing you ever face. There will be days when you will go through the motions, and it will mean nothing to you. You will cry yourself to sleep, and wake up to a cup of yesterday’s reheated coffee. You’ll be in the car and hear a song on the radio that makes you break down so hard you have to pull over. You’ll think about throwing away the ring, but end up slipping it back on your finger.
Then, when it seems like you can’t go on one more day, you’ll get used to it all. The drama ultimately will wind down out of sheer fatigue. You’ll get a routine. You’ll make fresh coffee in the morning. You’ll even laugh at jokes again. But you’ll miss that love every day of your life. I’m on day 681. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Houston Girl

I cant say anything but that the relationship breakup stage is terrible, and that is what I am going through now. crying, angry, defeated, crying, again, and the worst part of it, is that i cant go back to the life I had before the relationship because I have changed too much. Its time to move on but i really dont know what or where to.

Dismay

I (we) just ended a 4 year relationship with a couple of breakups along the way. I spent days crying, screaming, and then I began to talk and write about it. I also have read everything I can on grieving and ending relationships. Also one of my best friends is going thru a worse divorce and we talk alot. The thing I have found that helps most though is praying about it. I have asked God to remove my obsession with this man and to give this man everything good that he needs. It really works. This has cleared my mind enough to look back and recognize warning signs and realize that part of my staying with this man was a fear of loneliness, so I am doing some writing on that too. Fortunately we still care about each other so there really is not much fear or anger involved. Always remember that a breakup does not have to be ugly.

I just don’t think life will ever be normal again. I was in a relationship for twenty years off and on. This man is the love of my life. We live very near to each other and live in a small town, so I see him alot. He was always unfaithful to me and it seems crazy that I can’t let the past go. I guess I’ve never really grieved over the last break-up with him ( a year and a half ago). I’m searching for some answers to move on. It has gotten much better, but I just can’t seem to forget him.

I have been locked in an absolutely miserable verbal/mental/emotional abusive relationship for 15 years if you can call it that. We are not even married, so when I leave at least there will be no divorce to have to worry about. The first 5 months were the best part of our relationship;after I got pregnant with my first son it was just a slow descent into emotional hell.

He never failed to bring up to all his friends and even his children from his failed marriage how I “set out to trap him”. Every chance he got. Talk about stabbing me in the heart with a smile. He was so friendly and charming when I met him. Boy did I get suckered.

He would either “escape” from me if I got too close to him emotionally, or lash out and rip my heart to shreds if he couldn’t escape. I felt like I was walking on emotional eggshells, because I never knew when he would be kind, funny and nice, or when he would drop an emotional “bomb” on me. He made it very easy for me to clam up on him and shut him out. I honestly don’t think there was one area about me that he didn’t attack then try to pass it off as “teasing” or joking.

I left him 2 sons and 9 years into a relationship that left me stripped of all self worth, self esteem, and self respect. The absolute rock bottom was when he attack my abilities as a mother, plus pulled every sly, manipulating trick he could think of to get between the relationship with me and my children.
I left him and went into a battered women’s shelter, started rebuilding myself, then 6 months later made the horrible decision to come back and give our relationship one more try.

Three weeks of “honeymoon” then a rapid descent into an emotional hell worse than before. I guess it took 5 more years of having my face thourghly rubbed in crap before I finally made a New Year’s Resolution
to leave for good.

So here I am at this point, blown up to 300 bls, my health in piss poor shape, have no medical coverage of any kind, less than zero self respect, self love or self worth, hating him so much that it’s hell waking up every morning looking at him, let alone having to interact with him. I finally went online to try to gain some type of knowledge of his behavior and finally figured out that he is a full blown narrcisst.

At this point in my life, I am starting to stand up for myself(suffering in silence just seems to make it much worse), save every penny I can(I get a $98 check each month that one of my kids draws off his SS Disability check)continue to go to my paid to read e mail sites(I’m accumulating genuine easy money) and plan to cash out in November. I have a good Schwinn bicycle with a rear rack and old milk crate for storage, and a fron basket attached to the front, 3 good backpacks. I have a definate destination to go to, and a primary and secondary plan to get a job, a place to live(alone of course)

This “man” if you can call him that, has resented me, disrespected me , so often, humiliated me, attacked me, lashed out at me, done every thing he could think of, whenever he wanted to play his power trips or whatever, to grind me down, that I will be GLAD to walk out of this hellhole and leave him for good.

Any chance that there ever was for us to have a genuine, committed, honest, committed relationship, is so far gone I’m not interested in doing anything to save or salvage it even if I could.

I went through a horrible break up with the person who was the first of many new experiences in my life. I changed myself for him(which I shoud have never done) I gave him all my love and my emotions. He promised he would always be there for me, but in the end he wasnt. That taught me not to give away my emotions so easily next time.(Its a good thing to learn) But I will always remember what my best friend told me, ” The end of something always seems bad, but the truth is the end of one thing is ALWAYS the beginning of something new” My advice to anyone who feels the agony of losing someone special is to focus on the new.

Flower

What does it mean if your boyfriend of 5 1/2 years simultaniously says he wants to break up with you but is willing to work it out? He’s telling everyone that we’ve broken up but….? I feel like he’s taken all the cards and is asking me to crawl to him and MAYBE he’ll play again. And why did he break up with me? He had the realisation that he loves me dearly as a friend, he really likes me as a person but…doesn’t love me as a partner! I’m sorry, but isn’t your partner ment to be your friend and arn’t relationships a fluid thing, which moves and sways as time goes by? He has been suffering from depression almost the whole time we’ve been together (honeymoon period excepted) and I feel like all the love, time and energy is gone and this is what I get for thanks. I beleive that he should of come to me with his realisation and talked to me about it and had a mind to resolutin BEFORE breaking up. Trying to fix a relationship AFTER leaving it is like trying to fix a car while you’re behind the wheel. I feel like I’m trying to win him back and I’m feeling like a loser. He’s dumped me but given me just enough hope and love to make me feel like I’m being torn in two. Is this emotional abuse?

a year ago last week I met a man who completly turned me upside down and inside out the first time I saw him. He was so different from anything that I have ever been involved with before, different in every aspect. He has been on my mind every minute of the day since that moment I saw him. Needless to say he told many lies, lies that I let myself believe because I was so intwined. Now its over, and for reasons I do not really know. I recently heard a comment on Oprah from an author, she said, “There is no such thing as Prince Charming, and thats not what you should want. A man that sweeps you off you feet also sweeps you away from your self, your soul, and reality.” This comment has really helped me face every new day.

Faith

The quote is absolutely true!! I think they lack “soul” and its really very hurting and a painfull emotional roller coaster ride. We get wiser and less attached as we move along. It makes me really wonder if there is any such thing as “love” or is it just an illusion.

I’m writing this post to compliment UncleHorns. I’m three weeks out of a healthy, fantastic, three year relationship that dissolved in a matter of one month because it became apparent to both of us that it just wouldn’t work. This could be tougher than recovering from a bad relationship, where the problems are more obvious. Here’s what I’ve done to start the healing process…

As UncleHorns began, writing is perhaps the single most important exercise in a post-breakup world. You’ll be surprised what you put down on paper. Sometimes you write things that you can’t yet say or even admit to yourself, but low and behold, they make it onto paper. Moreover, when you become confused or your feelings cloud the issue, you can always return to your writing to think through the real issues.

Also, difficult as it is, end all contact with the person. Not forever, but until you are strong on your own. Next time you see them, you should be able to enjoy their company as a friend and not want or need anything else.

Other great suggestions I’ve read here include picking up new hobbies and finding some new meaningful interactions on a day to day basis. Tough, but rewarding and worth your effort.

Onward…

I am 6 months out of a 23 year relationship with an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive man. I have 3 young children from this relationship. This is the first time in my life that I have ever lived alone and I love it!
I want to know if anyone on this site ever feared that they were incapable of knowing how to be in a good relationship ever? I have met a man who was my friend before I left my husband and he treats me well and we get along easily but I always wonder if I should stop seeing him because I don’t believe I’m worthy of good treatment and I don’t know how to accept it. I also fear that I’m missing something important and maybe he is mean to me and I just don’t notice. It’s all very confusing and yet I really enjoy being with this person.
Does anyone on here have any advice for me? Please help.
Thank you,
Brenda

Well i ev myself gone through a bad relationship , i was betrayed and so felt terribly bad .
The guy turned out be a scum and there was nothing much i could .
i suggest to all out there going through the rough patch that - it would all be okay and they should trust themselves and don’t ever blame urself for anything if something didn’t work it jus didn’t .

Advice:
1.Take care of yourself and mentallly flip off the person who you are leaving behind.
2. The pain will go away and you will be yourself again after this period of insanity and self loathing. Most the time after you heal you will think “thank GOd that is over”.
3. Love yourself -like they say the best revenge in living well.
4. Exercise, eat right, take your vitamins reconnect with friends or join some activity for instance a Peace movement, Vegetarian Society, Sports team or something to get social.
5. Completely cut yourself off with communication with this person. No emails or calls ever and for sure don’t drink and dial.
6. Love is a mystical event you will have it again. If it is ended it was meant to end. Kiss it goodbye move on otherwise life will not be able to show you your “real lover”.
7. Help others someone else is suffering too either emotionally or physically, transcend yourself and you will find happiness again.

Well this has been really hard for me but I am trying to trust that God really has a plan for me and she is not part of it. When people say don’t call or e-mail believe me this is the single most important thing you must do. Everytime she calls I answer and everytime I get kicked in the chest by her one way or another. This is lunacy and I will not take anymore calls or e-mails from this day forward. Just responding to this blog has been uplifting as I have writtern several responses and deleted them up to this one.

I think the best thing for me and others to do is get well and change you, if you don’t you will get into the same type of destructive damning relationship you left or broke up from this time and every other time. Read, write, pray get a new hobby whatever but emotionally take a good look at you. Why? Ask the question, what did I do to make this relationship bad and then make the changes so the next time you know how to communicate with true love and feeling.

It hurts like hell now i have been trying to heal from a very bad breakup for the last two months. i did eveything humanly possible: met new friends, took on new hobbies , gave more time to work , went out alot.

but last night someone told me that my ex after only two months is already in a new relationship! i feel like all that i have built has been in vain i feel worse than ever.

Dina, I feel sorry for you but, my ex left on 10-8-06 and on the same night she was already hooked up. We were married for 2 years and together for 5 years. She has continued with the same person and the only reason I know is because of the cell bill. Trusting someone again with my heart will be a long time from now. Like I said before look at you because you were in the relationship and change the things that you can to make it right next time.

Hey
i am going through a very rough patch , i had a relationship which broke off abt three months ago , but i am still suffering and badly hurt.
i do know it’s not going anywhere but i deny to accept the idea that he is gone and all’s finished .
don’t know where is this going to lead me - can anyone help.
thanks

I was in a relationship for about 2 years with someone that I loved more than life itself. I miss her so much, I really don’t know what to do. Every minute of the day I check to see if she called or emailed me even though I know the answer to if and or when that will happen. I made one mistake early on, and because of that mistake, I ruined a relationship with someone that I loved so much and know I will never find a closer match. I really don’t have any friends in the area (all have moved away) and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I have been living off of sleeping pills (to help me sleep and forget) and water…because I have no hunger left. I’ve tried to contact her and she just does not respond. If I give up…will she just forget about me? I can’t believe that life can hurt like this.

Blue Fish , the end of a relationship is always rough , i know because iam passing through the same phase ur in. However, you really have to realize that nothing can mend what is already broken. In the end you have to understand that you dont have a choice but to move on and adopt apositive attitude towards the future.

You will say that this is easier said than done ( which i did myself) but after a while six months or so you feel better and time will be your only salvation to forgetfulness.

Be patient and Hold on ….. at least this is what iam doing!

Jamie

Sounds like you are going through a similar experience to me, although im a bit further on, we broke up almost two years ago now.

You want wanna hear it, but it “will” get better with time.
If you need a friend contact me

carlsinbox at gmail dot com

Thank you all for your comments, its been very comforting to read that other people have gone though similar situations. I was in an emotionally-abusive relationship that ended about a year ago. Over this past year, I have come so far, I am so much more confident and secure with who I am. But recently, due to feeling depressed, I have been questioning myself if I made the right decision to walk away the way I did. We’ve been in contact, and I can’t believe how easy it has been for me to fall right back into those old behaviors. I thought I had come so far, and it has really scared me to see how easy it is to sink back into the past, no matter how long its been. Does anyone think that you can ever truly get over an abusive relationship?

This is in response to Kat as well as my own feelings/insights.
I am so glad that I stumbled across this site. I came out of an 8 year relationship, married for 4 of those and it ended a year ago. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, but we had started dating so young (16) that he was all I ever knew, and I didn’t know that love wasn’t supposed to be that way. We would break up and get back together and he would repeat the same abusive cycles, but I always went back to him (which is part of the emotional abuse cycle). It took me a long long time to gain the personal strength to finally walk away and accept that I couldn’t change the relationship into the dream that I had for us. It’s been a year, and I have come a long long way. I took the past year to heal, find out who I was apart from the relationship and make sure that I didn’t make the same mistake again. I’m in a new relationship now and it’s healthy and 100% different from what I came out of, but I still struggle with the emotional aftermath even now. I go through times of saddness and depression even though my new life is filled with joy and love. It takes a loooong time to heal. Especially if there has been emotional abuse. I had such a hard time believing the TRUTH about myself after being put down for 8 years and believing that I wasn’t worth being valued that now I struggle with believing I DESERVE the life that I have now. Kat, I can relate. I had contact with my ex and I felt the same pull and how easy it would be to fall back into it. Kat-Resist!!! It is only your feelings of rejection / abandonment and/or defeat that is causing you to feel that way. If he accepts you back, then the feelings of rejection get replaced with acceptance and you regain your feelings of self worth, but you should feel self-worth on your own, not because of someone else. I STILL struggle with staying OUT of the repetative abusive cycles, because I have been in it for so long, thats what is ‘normal’ to me, but it’s not healthy! My advice, coming from a similar relationship is stay away from him, cut all ties/contact, get rid of things that remind you of the relationship, and start building your life around what makes you happy and makes you feel YOU! Surround yourself with friends and family and people who will pick you up when you start to stumble. Have someone you can call when you feel the urge to contact your ex oreven respond to your ex.
Like everyone else here has said, WRITE, jot down all the things your ex did to beat you down or make you feel low about yourself, then remind yourself that you’re worth more than that. It’s a long road, but I do honestly believe that you can fully heal from an emotionally abusive relationship if you take the right steps to recovery. Do NOT deny yourself grieving even though it was a ‘healthy’ loss, it was still a loss, and mostly you lost ‘yourself’. Thats the biggest hurdle, because you only feel like you are complete when you are with that person. You need to be able to feel complete without that person. Take your time. Make emotionally healthy decisions. And spoil yourself!!! Make yourself feel of worth and value and once you value yourself, you will attract people who will see you for what you are truly worth and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Yes it will bring up more confusion and emotional battles, because you won’t be used to a real relationship, but don’t self-destruct. Allow yourself to accept good treatment and love. Don’t push it away because you don’t feel worthy. I struggled with this, but I found someone who understands me and has supported me and encouraged me. And I am now pulling through the other side. I know you will too if you keep pushing forward and take the right steps to fully heal. Yes I do believe you can recover from an emotionally abusive relationship, you just have to WANT to. Refuse to be a Victim!! And as was said above “ONWARD”!!!

I have been dating the same girl for a little over two and a half years. The first year was perfect of course, and then we broke up about ten times and got back together every time except for this last time. She had gotten physical with me on numerous occassions, one of which was right in front of her parents! We even went to counseling but we did not apply what we learned. We were constantly assasinating one another’s character and I felt like I was constantly being analyzed. The truth is, as bad as I want to change her, I can’t…nobody can change! I finally lost my best friend for good, but it’s for the best. One thing that is helping me get through this is learning to be happy being alnone again, because what we all miss as human beings is having that companionship, regaurdless of whether or not it was healthy. Remember, there are other fish in the sea!

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years.He was a liar, cheater and a heart breaker all those years. I dont even know why i stick with him all those time but i was very much in love with him and hoping that he was gonna change one day (never happened). Somehow i find some strength in me to broke up with him 3 months ago, and as soon as we broke up he started dating with his best friend.Actually i wasnt expecting him to move on that fast.He is still dating with her and we are still talking(the worst thing is he considers me as his best friend).In the beginning the reason i kept in touch with him was to show him that i dont give a damn about him and im not jealous of him and her(total lie to myself).I even went to a party where i was in the same environment with him and his new girlfriend for long time(it destroyed me).Whenever we talk he still tells me that he loves me and her at the same time.I know sounds terribly sick,i just want to get away from him and do not want to answer his calls anymore.In the beginning i was trying to look cool but it was a stupid thing to do and somehow rapped myself in this bad situation.If i tell him i dont want to talk with him anymore he is going to think that i still love him- eventhough i still do- but i dont want him to know that. I dont know how to get out from this
situation.Help me plz!

I know this is going to sound hard to do, but be ready to simply break off all contact with him. No explanation is required. And continue no contact.

It’s amazing to me that most of the emotions I’m feeling are shared by all of you. I don’t know why I should be amazed, of course it’s perfectly natural, but I guess when you are in a dark hole and you feel as if your world has been shattered, it’s a very lonely place. I do feel like I’m greiving. Perhaps the worst part is that I do not feel as if my ex is greiving. He lied to me from the start. There were a lot of problems, but something convinced me to see only the potential and the good. I thought I could change him. Big mistake. You can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change. So he continued to lie to me and went back to a woman in his past. He simply expected me to go away. He cut off contact with me, no explanation, and I was left to put the pieces together on my own. When I did confront him, he lied to my face and tried to make it my fault. I too have the impulse to talk to him still, to be his friend… I’m not nearly as angry as I should be. It just feels surreal. How could someone I cared/care for and who at least appeared very convincingly to care for me have treated me in this way?
I’ve found that I have to take it day by day. Being honest with myself about how I’m feeling is important to me. I recognize that I have weak moments when I only remember the good times, but I don’t let them have power over me. I have the potential to be far happier than he ever will. It really is a matter of letting go, seriously and continuously. Cut off all contact, don’t ask mutual acquaintances for information, get rid of reminders of him/her. It will be very difficult to do, but much better in the long run. You can’t heal yourself until you let go. The most important thing I have to tell myself is that it isn’t about him, it’s about me now. I can’t make him feel bad for what he has done, I can’t allow it to make me feel bitter even if it feels as if he is getting away with something. I have to do what is best for me. And perhaps in time this will all seem like a distant, bad dream.

I think I am like the cheezy 80’s hit “Here I go again on my own”. I left her because she was such a selfish bitch career oriented inane and cunning drain on my life. I went down spiritually and financially because of her. For 2 years she kept pressing me for an engagement ring and pressing me for what I would do for her, when meanwhile she was totally too self absorbed to “do” anything for me. I would marry and start a family with a good hearted woman but maybe in America Im too outdated at 36. Why is it always the middle aged career hags that are looking for a “real man”. Your version of a real man is really a feminized waiter with cash and a brain that thinks only for you.

It’s comforting to read the various responses of how people deal with disspointment in their past relationships. I was in a relationship for several years with a girl that had very little self esteem. She was attractive and smart, but lacked support and love as a child to develop these things. A couple of years into the relationship she left me to cash in her newly realized attractiveness. The truth is, she was always attractive, but now she knew it. It was rejecting on many levels, but the lasting pain was the fantasy I carried that she would someday forsake her new mission of vanity for the intimacy that we shared. I spent the following couple of years increasing my wealth and occasionally dating an attractive girl in the attempt to win her back. Eventually I realized that I was whoring myself out to the world in order to win someone back who was doing the same. Her reason for this was validation from the world, mine was convincing her that I was as good as anything she was going to find out there. I wanted my love and concern for her to be the important pillar in her life.

I suppose any seed I invested in her life may pay off in the long run. The applause of the peanut gallery just doesn’t stay rewarding for very long.

The torment of this past relationship lasted for several years. We have a child so limiting contact was difficult. My heart eventually started to heal when I met a girl whom I trusted and loved more than the original. A part of my heart will always feel bad for my ex, but I have great joy knowing the possibilities that lay ahead.

I’m convinced that when you lose everything, you MUST start again. You must not curse God for the destruction that has fallen upon you, but push forward with all of your might to the day that brings a new promise.

Hi,

I broke up with my girlfriend last week.We had been dating 2.5 years.We have been having problemns for over a year mainly because of me.I stayed in contact of mine in another country and met her on 2 occasions.We talked about getting back together,all behind my girlfriends back,shitty behaviour I know.
She found out,lost all trust in me and in the past 12 months assaulted me on 8-10 occasions.I also became very very verbally abusive in this time so I suppose there was a cycle.It started to affect my work so in a drunken rage I eventually broke up last week.It happened badly,she would not walk away.Nothing physical happened but eventually I got away in a car.
My heart is broken.We had love but it seemed to me we had just too many problems to make it work.

I’d been with my wife for 4 years and we got married on September 16.

Last month she left me. Apparently she had fallen out of love with me but didn’t know how to tell me or stop the wedding.

I’m not really sure how to stop hurting but going to the gym and keeping myself occupied has helped.

Never thought it was possible to be this down.

This is a quote that really enables you to look beyond the pain and see everything as part of a bigger plan. Stay strong!
“I beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…”
(rainer maria rilke)

I have been in a relationship for 3.5 years. It was great at first and we broke up a few times he cheated on me and I cheated on him for spite. Kinda of a tit for tat thing.A year ago we split up for about two months.I was totally devistated I wanted to end it all.After counseling it was getting easier until I seen him out one night and he cried to me and promised he would respect me and how he would be the best boyfriend ever.We got back together and here we are a year later fightting constantly . He tells me that he feels we need some time apart. We agreed that we are to be faithful to each other. I feel like he is playing with my head.In the past I would cry and beg him to please take me back and he would give in and give our relationship another chance.Well I have not cried once to him or even called him. Its been a week and everyday almost since the break up he calls me for something. like for instance ,if he can use my address to get his new cell phone sent to my house because his cell phone had broke and it needed to be replaced.Then he calls me and asks me if I can come over to his apartment to talk. That was totally useless because it seemed to me that he is missing me and he just wanted to see me.The reason why I went over was because he said he wanted to talk.We didnt talk about nothing. But for the first time I got up and left after being there for 45 min. tops.I think by me answering the phone and by me going over to his house that night it reasured him that I am waiting on him. By him having contact with me it’s like he knows what I’m doing and where I’m at.He asks me why I havent called him? My answer was Im giving you what you want.Its like he doesnt want me but he doesnt want anyone else to have me.This shit hurts like hell. But I have learned from being devistated with the break up from him a year ago that I will not allow myself to get that way again.I will gaurentee you that after he goes through his weird episode of needing space that he will beg me back again.I feel sometimes he is bi-polar he definetly gets mood swings.From this point on Im not answering his phone calls or text messages.Im going to make him wonder and realize that he cant play with my feelings anymore. The crazy thing is that I’v been asked out by three guys in two days of this break.I dont want to get into that thats the last thing I need. I dont want to wait around for him either with his answer of when he feels we should get back again. I feel he is playing head games with me.If anyone has any suggestions on what I should do please respond. I will take any advise at this point.

It’s really heartening to read things people have said here. I echo others’ comments when I say that it’s so easy to slip into feeling as though I’m the only person in the world in this much pain right now…

My relationship was 2.5 years with a guy I wanted to be with for the rest of my life and who repeatedly told me the same thing; he alluded to a ring, he told me about conversations with other in which he’d referred to me as “the one.” During our time together, we broke up frequently, over instances in which he would display selfish and inconsiderate behavior (deciding to go with another friend to an even after having asked me, and variations of this; my discovery of his fairly frequent use of internet porn; his video game habit that occupies literally 5-6 hours of his day, every day).

But he would always come up with some combination of words and tears and I would decide that I’d overreacted or otherwise made the situation worse than it was so we would get back together. On many occasions, this was even after he’d verbally abuse me “you b-tch” “you cry to manipulate me” “my friends were right about you” “you’re out f-cking someone else, you could have told me” and on and on, until I confronted him very clearly about it and he went into counseling. I never asked about the counseling, though, I never brought up conversations about it because I didn’t want to start other episodes of crappy behavior.

And despite all of this and more, I wanted to be with him so badly. I wanted it to work, I wanted to help him with anything I could. I wanted him to seem to love me as much as he said he did. Even during our final conversation in which I said I was completely done (and actually felt that I meant it, for once) he asked me if I knew he loved me.

We haven’t spoken in a week, and I know it’s early. But this is so incredibly painful, and I’ve stopped myself so many times from contacting him. This is the first time he hasn’t contacted me at all, so he probably dealing well with this…it may sound terrible, but I wish I knew he hurt as much as I do, but maybe he doesn’t.

I love what people have said about trusting, and if it’s supposed to be, it will. Does anyone believe in trying again after some time away to think and recoup? Would I be fooling myself to say to him that we could consider a fresh start, a real “get to know each other” attempt in a few months, letting him know I’m thinking of that? Or is that weak and fooling myself?

Thank you for being here, everyone, and for sharing.

I just stumbled across this as I was investigating another topic. What becomes of the broken-hearted? Wow. I suddenly don’t feel so alone or such a freak as my recent ex and former abusive exes made me out to be. Now a 49 year old female who has done everything possible to ensure I never hook up with an abusive man again, searched my soul to try and understand WHY they hone in on me, to no avail, recovering from the latest relationship that really put the final boots to me…lo, and behold, judging from this site we are dealing with an epidemic! I can relate to everyone who’s commented here, except, perhaps the fellow who called his ex a”bitch slut”. I try to hold my head up, but this time I’m tired of pretending for friends’ sakes. I decided to wallow in my PJs and wait for some inspiration from God, Who gets me through each day. I’ve seen so many women abused, it is extremely difficult for me not to give up on men altogether, yet I CAN’T because I have 2 wonderful grown sons who know how to treat their ladies well and to maintain solid relationships. I have had 2 great loving relationships with men in my lifetime. I prefer to stick with these memories. For now, I tried to take a dance class at the gym, and would LOVE a girl’s night out, yet I just discovered I have a severe abnormality in my heart which may require surgery, at best, so that’s out for awhile. Will I survive? I don’t know. I can’t help wonder if I’d had a loving husband who treated me well if I’d be in good health and thriving now. However, if I have one bit of wisdom to impart, even though I may sound bitter, I’ve got over worse things by forgiving the person who hurt me, which, however difficult, must be done. I hope someone took the time to read this. And I pray to God that there are more truly good men out there than it seems or the planet is doomed! My aching heart goes out to you all. Christine

I was in a bad relationship with a man who was emotionally abusive. I actually cried when he left me…imagine that. That’s how brainwashed I was. I BEGGED him to take me back. Nobody could figure out what I saw in him. “There must be another side to him, that only you see”…. this is what everyone would say to me. This is because he treated everyone else the same way he treated me, with absolutely no respect, but I was too “in love” to see it. He was amazing when we were alone, and when he wanted to be, when it suited him to be……. But I woke up one day, after a month and a half, and realized that he had done me the biggest favour. He had set me free……And I moved forward and never looked back. I learned a valuable lesson about respecting myself, and that was what I was meant to take away from that relationship….

i was browsing through the web ridiculously looking for a website that would tell me how to move past all this pain that i have been feeling for a week and having read all the comments above, i think i have found some renewed strength.

i had a boyfriend for 5 years, 3 of which we lived together. i was only 18 when we started dating and he was the first and only love i had ever known. however, we both come from pretty crushing backgrounds…my father was an alcoholic and abusive man and my mother walked out on us when i was 12. his mother took her own life when he was 12 because his father had found another woman.

when we first started dating, we went through what everyone called the “Honeymoon Phase”. he was always there for me day and night, going through with me all the grieve that i still held on from my childhood. we were so close that i remember telling everyone (despite just being 18) that he was the one. 2 years down the road, i had made a mistake and we broke up for about a month.

Things just went downhill from there. we got back together but he was never the same. to try and salvage what we had, we decided to move in together but it was always tit for tat. we would constantly fight and he would get cold, even if i was right in front of him crying. gone was the man that used to feel broken at the sight of my tears.

1 week ago, he decided that i was not the one for him, that he may be falling out of love with me. he wanted to move out and have his own space and that this thought had been running through his head for some time now. imagine the slap to the face! didn’t i deserve at lease a chance to be set down and told all of this instead of one morning waking up to a “i just don’t love you no more”. in the beginning, i put up a brave front. i was cold the same way he was cold towards me. i refused his calls. but when the reality of the situation hit me, i felt crushed. here was a man that i had grown to love for so long, giving up half of myself for him, changing and adapting to him that now i felt empty within. so i did the one thing everyone told me not to…i called and begged for another chance.

sure enough, i got crushed. he said that i was pushing too hard…that i didn’t want to give him the time and space he needed. that maybe he didn’t love me anymore and he could find a replacement if he wanted to. i felt like i had died from those words…that this really was it, THE END.

deep in my heart…i believe that one day he will regret leaving me just because i have flaws. and while a huge part of me still pines over that…after reading all of the posts above, i feel that maybe it’s time to concentrate on me. concentrate on the beauty of me, myself and i. i have to remember what it’s like to have been on my own…and while that realization may not conveniently hit me now, the grieve of what i’m going through now will help keep me safe in the future.

it takes a lot to let go of something we hold so dear…it really does feel like experiencing death. even worse when you know that the other person is not feeling the same pain as you’d like to imagine that person should. and while i’ve still not gotten over the breakup, i know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel…there always is.

when all this time we put our faith in another person, now have faith in ourselves. indulge in the people that really care about you, and if you’re someone like me who lost all her friends because my ex-boyfriend was anti-social or disapproved of them, now is the time to either rekindle lost friendship or make new friends. surround yourself with activities and never let yourself be alone with your thoughts.

just like i how i’m feeling now, you too will feel like there is no point in life…that your lungs are suffocating you to death, that the tears are so hot and painful you just want to die. and in reality, there really is nothing anyone can say to you to feel otherwise. only you can tell yourself that life will be alright, that there really is someone out there who will love me for me, who will accept who i am and what i want out of live. and we have to believe that the patience will pay off.

even as i write this, i still wish that he would call and tell me that we can give it another shot. maybe he won’t, maybe he will…but for now, i have to love me and so should all of you. it will be the most amazing feeling in the whole wide world.

love, marguerita

I just finally got the courage to leave a man whom for the past two years has had little mercy on me. I was only 17 years old when i first met him, i left my family and moved into his house when i graduated from high school now here i am alone without him. he is 10 years older then me which i can see where there was a problem, but i had to grow up fast so i have always been very mature. This is so hard for me, because i was emotional, physically, VERBALLY, abused. What i have considered to be love for the past two years has only been nothing but sorrow, lieing, cheating, and pain both physicall and emotional. this is all i know. between the two years we have been on and off and i turned to other men hoping it would help me get over him but somehow i always found myself goign back to him. it was so horrible, the feelings of having to walk on eggsshells so that if i say the wrong thing i wont be accused of beign stupid or and idiot. the whole relationship was only good for a couple months then it was shattered. i have seen a part of me come out that i never knew exsisted always on the defense, trying to protect myself, yelling and scremeing and even fighting with him physically. getting pushed aorund hit ext. as time went by i started to see that no matter what i did to make things better that he still treated me the same. he only wanted me when i was about to leave, then when i was back under his wing i was underappreciatted, as if i was nothing but the ground he walked all over. i feel like all this has happend because i was not able to break away, because the emotional distress has made me depend on him. he made me feel like without him i am nothing, no one, and i would never get anyone who would treat me right. he used to do little things that would side track me to think that he changed and i turn my back to find out the same things occured over and over. I am stubborn, everyone told me, but it didnt matter i still dealt with everything and stayeed around like a fool. for some reason everytime i tried to move on somethign kept turning me back, and i did i went. but recently in the past couple months i had an epifphany. I just had enough i am almost 20 and i have a great full time job, just bought a brand new car all by myself , and i go to college full time and i graduate next year. i am doing all these things for myself; by myself without him. he has guided me a little but for everything good there is a trade off (in this case) when they say you take the good with the bad you arent kidding he helped me come out of a broken home where i never saw love, nor did i even know love with him. other than gettign me back on my feet financially i always found myself knocked down emotionally. he made me so insecure, he made me beg for his love then when he gave it turned around and changed his mind. to him it was all a game. he told me things just to keep me still wanting him and then would tell me he didnt want a committment nothing then when i leave he would call me and i would answer because i couldnt resist. i then tried to move on. i met someone who treated me like gold in all areas but i didnt know h ow to accept this, after all how can you love and give your WHOLE heart if it was never whole from the start. I tried my best to accept the good and tell myself i deserve it but i didnt’ i left that guy and eended up breaking his heart because i told him i was not over my ex. that guy could have been the one but i didnt let him in because i put up all these walls, all i know is the bad things. well anyway now i am alone and its hard it has only been one day that i havent talked to him but i am trying hard this time i am not giving in. someone once told me “Don’t cry for someone who wouldn’t cry for you.” its true. if i t hink about it now he is probably going about his day thinking only of himself, (because he is selfish when it comes to his life) he probalby is calling me names when he thinks of me, but o well i know i am better i know that i can survive. it will be hard because its so weird you would think because of all the heartach and pain that you would easily move on but no way, its almost like with out the drama i wasnt happy. but not anymore i expect nothing but respect and all the good things in life. everyone deserves to be treated witrh respect and love, and i just dont see this things in him. i had enough im sick and tired of being thrown around liek a rag doll, and goign back and forth. i am setting new goals and making sur e they are fulfilled by myself. i do not need a man to define me nor live my life and control me. but if i run into a man who knows how to treat me with the good things i require then i am ready. i know its goign to be hard to forget him. “bruises fade but pain remains the same” meaning that even tho i think i can patch things up with him and make things better the pain will always remain and he will never change, he is a grown man and at this point in his life he isnt giving anything up, nor is he showing any effort to do so, so why should i give my all for someone who wont give me anythign at all. thats it im putting my foot down and moving on forget him its goign to be hard, i will cry and feel empty but its better then continuing emptiness forever. he is a lost cause and a waste of my time . i will not let him break me. i have been through many rough times in my life and i have gotten through them so i will not let him be the one to stop me from growing and moving on. all i can do is take this as a learnign expierience and becoem stronger.i also believe that god never gives you anything you can’t handle. and if something is meant to be it will come back, the right way. although i have a lot of self wounds, i will just allievate them and become whole for once. they say what ever doesnt kill you make you stronger and i beleive it. so for everyone who thinks that they wont get over it, or when they see something that reminds them of the ex just remember the pain before. i believe if i stand my ground he will never break me again. its time to start off on a new slat and forget the bad. time to change the bad memories with new good ones. no more pain no more games. life is too short to be sad all the time, and especailly when you have the CHOICE, because everyone does. i have seen mmy mother recover from her marriage with my father . she was abused too for 17 years and now she is marrried one last time to a man who treats her like godl and respect her. it is possible people will rise and defeat the past.

It’s interesting to see what we all feel related to so many different conditions we’ve lived through. Love makes us so happy and so vulnerable to such devastating grief when we lose what we hold so very dear. I read hurting for a week, and I think “honey, try years of having someone ripped out of your soul by the roots…” but we do learn to live with grief and loss, and absolutely should. It helps us to value what we do hold dear and to notice so many of the beautiful things we might otherwise take for granted. How? WALK STRAIGHT INTO THE PAIN. Accept it. It will hurt and hurt, but you will find such strength in yourself. Can friends stop it? No. And they shouldn’t try. Can they stand beside you and remind you that others love you? Absolutely. From the ashes we arise again, and again. Love and love again. WHen people say a man or woman is “no good” I disagree. What we chose in love is what we need to chose at somepoint. We need to explore the hunger we feel about who someone is and what they have, inspite of the “negative” characteristics that person has. Should we purposely put ourselves in danger? No, I don’t mean that. What I mean is that it is easy to stand on the outside of someone else and judge their choices of partners, but how can we really when we are not that person? Be kind to your brothers and sisters, help them to accept their loss, grief and to heal and find life again. peace.

There is so much I could write here. I am still struggling with the break-up of my first relationship four months ago. It was on-again-off-again for months before that, and was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, and also included some physical and sexual abuse. All of this has been compounded by the fact that I am a lesbian and was outed to my conservative Christian parents while I was still dealing with my own sexuality issues. They continue to threaten to not pay for my school, and any attempt for me to become financially independent only increases the abuse. Even though I am not talking to my ex, I still feel the hold that our relationship had on me, because we are in the same organizations and have the same friennds so I still see her on occasion. I am having a very hard time dealing with this, and sometimes I feel no one understands. My friends either want me to “get over it” or accuse me of being self-centered. Sometimes I feel there is no one I can talk to. Knowing I am not alone has helped so much.

Thank you.

Dana

I moved in with my boyfriend of 5 years and March - we broke up in May. Shortly after I moved in he started going out boozing more and then stopped coming home. Two weeks after I moved out and finally talked to him he told me he cheated on me. He started drinking even more. He would call me when he wanted to get away from her. She has even called my house in the middle of the night from his cell phone looking for him. When he was sober he told me he thinks of me every minute of the day and that he loves me more then anything. Then why after almost a year is he still with her? I know she was previously married to a drunk so she is used to his ways. As far as she is concerned she has a normal relationship. I told him no more calls - from either of them. Well, I had to call him yesterday re: car ins issues I’m trying to clear up and he told me he thinks of “us” every day. I can’t do the up and down crap anymore. He has given me so many false hopes it’s killing me but yet I can’t move on. He was married before. His Ex told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. She believes he’s commitment phobic and the new chick doesn’t really need commitent from him. I can’t help but think why is he still with her? He called me last week shit faced - I knew I shouldn’t have answered the phone but I did. He asked what he needs to do to fix things. He said “You are the one I love, You are the one I want to be with”. Then why isn’t he? I know I need to get over him - starting with no more phone calls. I started seeing a counselor but I got so tired of talking about it. This is the longest break up ever…

This is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for - a place where I could share my feelings with people who’ve shared similar experiences and who wouldn’t judge me. I can relate to so many of you and applaud everyone who has written. I think it takes courage to speak about some of the things I have read here.

I, myself still have feelings for an ex-boyfriend. We dated for 6 years and things were pretty good. We were young when we met, only 17 and 18, and when he broke up with me I was completely devastated. I wondered what was wrong with me, what did I do wrong? What did he need that I was not giving him? I even asked him all of these questions. His reason for the breakup was that he “just didn’t see it going anywhere.” We had talked about getting married, he even asked my ring size, but only a month after my college graduation he broke up with me. I think he was scared that now I wanted our relationship to move forward, to live together (which we never did), and he wasn’t ready. I also think he never thought he was good enough for me, even though I would tell him how I loved him more than anything in the world. He had dropped out of high school and never went to college, but I never looked down on him for that. I thought he was an amazing person who was working for what he wanted. School is not for everyone. He had broken up with me once before, right around the 2.5 year mark, (which seems to be a normal one as I see many relationships end at that point) and said he felt as if he was holding me back. We got back together after only a week and I thought that this last time would be no different.

He didn’t want us to see other people, but didn’t want us to be a “couple.” I played the role of friend-with-benefits for over a year. I tried to date other people in that time, but every time he called, I went running, or I dated people that made me run back to him becaue they didn’t treat me right or measure up to him. Every time we slept together I’d cry because I was overome with emotion, and then he’d feel bad as well. I pleaded with him to give us another try, let’s date eachother as well as other people and see how it goes. He didn’t want to. I eventually told him I could not do that any longer. I tried to wean myself from him, but never could cut off contact completely.

It has been three years since we broke up and over 1.5 since we last slept together. I am currently in a serious relationship and have been for 1.5 with a man I love very deeply. My current relationship is immensely better than my past one. We share everything and all of my needs are being met. My current boyfriend is amazing and I want to marry him. When I met him I knew he was different and that I could not risk getting to know him by letting my ex manipulate me into continuing on the way we had been.

So why do I still think abou tmy ex?I saw my ex today for the first time in 6 months. I met his new girlfriend and have been emotional all day since. I have never seen him with another woman and all the feelings for him that I thought I had under control have come back. I know his faults and the faults of the relationship we had, but I still can’t stop thinking about him. I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize my current relationship, but I can’t help feeling sad about the past one. I wonder about his feelings for his new girlfriend, does he love her more than he loved me, does he still think of me, will we ever have another chance? The most horrible thought that has run through my head is that if things don’t work out with my current boyfriend, I’d try to get my ex back. He has been calling me 1-2 times a month since I started dating my current boyfriend, always asking if I was still dating him. One of the last times I informed him that I will be moving in with my boyfriend soon and that if he wants to be my friend he needs to meet him since I will not lie about spending time with him. Bad idea, I know, but at the time it sounded good.

Is it just because I never saw him with another woman that these feelings are coming out? I always knew I was never really over him and honestly don’t really ever expect to be completely, but we have so much history, and our relationship was not BAD, we were just not fulfilling eachother’s needs at the time. Is it wrong of me to wonder how things would be had circumstances been different? Or to wonder if we’ll ever have another chance? I truly love the person I am with and do not want to screw up what we have. What should i do? Will these feelings go away?

Something I read online which I thought was extremely helpful.

going back to bad boyfriends
How many times have we seen this happen? A woman who has been in a terrible relationship finally finds the courage to break free, only to unceremoniously go back to her terrible boyfriend or husband months later.

This puzzles me to the same extent that the creation of the universe does. In most cases, the guy is genuinely rotten. Among his faults: he didn’t love her, treated her like a slave, didn’t appreciate her, or may have even slapped her a couple of times. But to some women, all is forgiven once the six-month restraining order expires.

Why is it that when we are in a relationship, women always accuse us of being unable to change, yet they assume a couple of months apart without the constant nagging will somehow miraculously transform us into the male incarnation of Mother Teresa?

Most women need to wake up. Men don’t change, they just become bitter and vengeful. Do women think we cheated on them before? Guess what? Now that we know they’ll take us back after we screw up, they should get ready for a steady dose of heartache.

I feel no remorse for women who return to terrible relationships. If they aren’t smart enough to realize what they’re doing, why should we care? I don’t know, but we still do. That’s why I feel compelled to repeat myself. For all the ladies out there reading this, remember: if you left him once , there was a valid reason for it.

It has been over a year since he just stopped calling one day….everyday feels like that day. I cannot come to terms with how I loved him like know other…this man who used me for convenient sex and then disposed of me like a piece of trash…everything that felt like true love to me was nothing for him…I hate him and still I love him…a year ago I feared the future without him…I was right to fear it; it is as bleak as I suspected; he was my Heaven…where does that leave me now. It’s all just madness now.

I found this website after a long night of lonely searching the web… I stumbled into the right corner this time.

He is all I ever known. We met when we were young and there was a bond between us. After three years and two break ups he is gone again. I ffound out afterwards that he was cheating… ouch. Even after the endless hours he would chase me aoround calling me a cheater, emotional cheater, physical cheater.

He is gone with a goodbye that made it seem like he was going out for groceries, fianicial stiffying me, and emotional sending me into a twister of ups and downs.

Now two weeks later the phone calls have started and his clotehs are still in the drawers. I can’t bring myself to throw them out rotten relationship and all. Love is a confusing thing.

So here i am tryhing to get over a bad relationship and really not knowing how and the ‘fear’ that is binding me is almost choking at times.

The temptation to call and scream is so strong I am set up a 100 sit ups then thinkagain. It’s been working.

Yipes I want this feeling gone…

A divorce and two non-marriage break ups in 12 months. I guess I have something to say here.

What can friends do? Recognize what you can’t do. The friend surviving the break up has to find their bearings again. It’s a personal process, and it’s distinct with respect to each break up. Listen non-judgmentally and affirm the positive qualities of your friend. Let them know you believe they will make it and that life again will feel good.

What to avoid … “I knew this was coming.” “He (or she) is no good.” Trading drama - at some point, things need to settle down for healing to occur.

i am so happy to have found and had the time to read this thread. i am a 3rd year law student who has been trying to leave my emotionally abusive boyfriend for almost a year now. what nobody understands is that the good times were the best and the bad the lowest. i banked everything i had on this man and planned to move to his world to take the bar exam in a few months. our problems mainly stem from his insecurities about my past with other, high-profile, men. but i never cheated on him and i let him say both quietly and in anger, the worst things to me and how he was ashamed of me, embarraessed of my past, that my past with men ruined his life-long love of music.
and then, in the same day, he would turn around and tell me that i was the most beautiful and important thing in his life and he’d always love me and never leave me. then he would call crying and demand that if he died, i should never be with another man, never find love, etc.
this situation has been compounded by the fact that i lent him some money i deserately needed repaid. i put everything into this relationship but when i get down and cry myself to sleep i think about all the ruined holidays with him the nights i spent in tears, the broken bone, the worrying, the endless insults and hundreds of calls in the middle of the night and i wonder if crying myeslf to sleep is really all that bad
i’ve decided to break free and take the the chance that i’ll find somebody who loves me as i am and isn’t threatened by who i once was. the lonliness is palpable and sometimes i think i can’t go on in a new town and with another move impending. but i’ve reached out to people and i’ve come this far and there’s no stopping now! i see people in healthy relationships and i’m so envious. but if you can’t be happy alone, how can you ever be happy with somebody else?
i try to curb the urge to check my phone to see if he called 100 times a day and i’m thinking of changing my number and e-mail soon because it’s driving me nuts. good luck to all!
as my mom used to always say, “this too shall pass”. and i t will!

As so many people have said here, I too have been unable to understand why ON EARTH I have so much trouble getting over someone who was so emotionally cruel to me, and would never think twice about kicking me when I was down. And then I think if I’m having so much trouble, maybe it really wasn’t that bad and the problem really was me (as he always kept telling me it was). And it is hard to find people to talk to about it because no one understands how I can be thinking anything other than “good riddance.” It is so easy for me to blame myself for everything that went wrong. Even his bad behavior I think, “well, he only did it because I did X.” We do not communicate at all any more & I just keep wondering what he thinks, now seven months later. Do I not really cross his mind and is he really relieved our relationship is over, because he really believed all the things he said about me at the end? It irritates me so much to know that someone else is going to be as smitten by his initial charm and charisma as I was — someone else will fall for it. And I guess my real fear is that it will work for him with the next person, which will be a sign that I really was the problem. Or at least that’s how it feels. I guess it helps to know I’m not the only one who isn’t feeling like a liberated and free spirit after getting out of a bad relationship. I feel wounded and obsessed and paranoid and disliked and like a fool. I doubt myself and my perceptions of the past. And for some reason, I value this one person’s bad opinion of me over the opinions of others who think better of me. Why? I don’t know. Can it be as simple as me thinking that he is better than me because he’s so unaffected by things and comes from a rich family, while I feel like I’m falling apart and come from so little? How can it be so much easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves?

I totally sympathise with you, L. I’m currently beating myself up for getting into an abusive relationship after 12 years of being free of such relationships. I finished with him last week.

I had a similar experience to yours with someone of higher ’social standing’ than myself, who was nice one second, and nasty the next. I now understand he has a personality disorder.

The reason that I stuck with him, was because I live in a deprived area so don’t meet many people like him. He was intelligent and interesting. I am intellingent and was glad to meet someone I could have a proper conversation with.

I found myself thinking ‘if only he wasn’t x, y and z, then he’d be perfect’. As if these traits were a tumour from his personality that I could excise. But x, y and z were fundamental parts of his character.

No matter how rich, charming or attentive someone is, if they also abuse you then THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT. They are not worth YOU. No matter what your social standing, no-one is better than you.

If you start doubting yourself and thinking, maybe the bad things they said about me were true, just ask yourself: do all other people say this about you? I think you will find the answer is NO. Therefore it is HIM not you. Don’t believe what these abusers say.

I think it is more likely you will find out that he treated previous women this way. And if he does end up with someone, more fool her. Just thank God it’s not you. Abusers don’t change.

I am annoyed with myself for letting him get to me . I’m annoyed becuse a tiny part of me must have doubted myself and BELIEVED the nasty things he said about me. Thankfully we only lasted 4 months. I have changed my number and blocked his emails. ( I believe it is essential to do this).

Good luck on your journey L. Remember it’s for a reason. x

[Editor’s Note: Comment deleted — user reproduced this article, which you check out by clicking on the link]

Its me again. I never bought the book in the above posting. But whatever is written in that, was very helpful for me.

I came out of an abusive husband with a 11month old baby. Its been 2.5yrs now. I lived and survived with the baby with no help so far.

My ex did not contact me for 5months, once his parents gone back to their country, he started coming to my apartment and having an instant family, whenever he is free, not when we needed him.

I thought that if he sees me settle down in life well without his help, he would automatically come back to me. In our culture, marriage is a one time thing.

So I forgave him and never talked about my feelings. we spent weekends together. But oneday after getting his US citizenship, he sent me a divorce notice. I was shocked. After some rough times, again he had to come to my apartment bec of baby’s health and again we slept together and spent weekends together.

So I proposed to him oneday that I would share everything in half and I dont want any child support, if we live together. He said he did not know. Same old answer, he always gives. I said I cannot live in this any more, things have to be clear, 1.we are getting divorce and live each other’s life separately 2.living together and I share everything (which would be a boon for him). But to my surprise, he called me back after 2 days and said he was finalizing the divorce.

By this time, I did all that I could and I thought ok, if this is what God planned, let be it. I got divorced and he started paying child support. It was not easy though. He wrote so many nasty emails.

My confidence was, he would not get a better woman than me. He has to come back to me, he had a dark past, he had done all the mistakes. I always forgave and moved on.

But recently (6weeks back)I came to know (through my 3.5yr old son )that ex is sleeping with another women. Thats the moment of my realizatiion that my ex was doing everything for a reason. He knows what he is doing. Now the reality hit me that everything was planned.

He did not let me come to his apartment even once in the last two and half years though he was coming to my apartment all the time. Now I know why. May he is sleeping with other women all the time.

Anyway, for 3 weeks, I suffered like hell, I cannot sleep, no hunger and my chest kept hurting me. But I recovered after I read the above article.

I tried to go to a therapist, but did not feel that it is helping me in anyway. Because its already two and half years and I came so far and made so much progress.

I have a great job, a precious son and a great supporting family. Of course, the void of a lack of partner, will always be there.

My ex is my first and last man in my life. May be I will get someone or I dont, I left everything to God. If HE wills it, it will happen. I decided to keep my heart open.

I enrolled my son and myself in swimming classes and I feel excited to learn a new skill. Life feels very good and interesting.

Everything will be fine and will fall in place. Always remember that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A VALID REASON AND HAPPENS FOR OUR BEST. There are no accidents in the Universe, everything is planned by the Universal source.

We have two choices, 1.suffer like hell and spoil everything you have (health, career, kids) 2.Accept it, and always do what you are supposed to do– this will be enough to move on, keep on eating, sleeping, going to work, going to gym. YOU WILL BE FINE.

Happiness is within us. Once you discover that, you no longer depend on a partner or a relationship to be happy. We are born to be happy, stop and control your mind from having constant chatting.

I find reading Wayne Dyer (Power of Intention, Manifestation Meditation, Limitless person)was very helpful. Well I bought audio versions, which I kept on listening in my car and at my home, if need be at work too. Even if you can get a little bit help and courage from them, that will be enough to move on. And suddenly you find yourself so happy and content and peaceful.

I wrote from my experience, I waited for two and half years for things to change. I am not waiting any more. I am going to enjoy life as it is in the moment. If I can do it, any body can.

PLEASE DO MEDIDATION ONCE A DAY. No amount of family support or talking to friends, can substitute that.

I left my second husband within the first 12 months of marriage. I knew he was jealous early on into the relationship. We were together for 3 happy years before we got married and I thought that by marrying him I was proving my love and this would convince him I didn’t want anyone else. Big mistake! I never gave him any reason not to trust me. These were issues he brought into our relationship from his past.

So briefly, this is my story. The arguments started a few months before the wedding and I put it down to stress and pre wedding nerves on both sides. Once married, the jealousy intensified. It soon became obvious that the man I loved and married was not the same person I’d courted. He became moody and an emotionally and verbally abusive control freak and I was constantly walking on eggshells. His behaviour, along with the blaming, name calling and mind games was appalling and my health suffered as a result! He also started drinking which didn’t help matters and he was in total denial. My best friend who works in mental health noticed what was going on and the effect it was having on me as a person. He was breaking my spirit and I’m usually quite a strong character, happy and confident! I thought I was going crazy and started to believe that everything that went wrong was my fault just like he said it was. My self esteem hit an all time low. At one point I asked him to come with me for counselling but he wouldn’t, so I went alone but I didn’t tell him.

Eventually, after a scary incident too many I found the courage to leave him. This was my turning point. My gut instincts told me “girl, you need to get out!”

I moved back to my home town and got a divorce. I rented a place for 10 months, before buying a house.

My advice for anyone stuck in a bad relationship is get out, stay out and above all cut all contact with the other person which is what I did. Learn to trust your gut instincts and take notice of any “red flags” you may see. It truly is the only way. It’s not easy but it’s worth the effort! Don’t jump out of the frying pan and into the fire by starting a new relationship straight away. Give yourself some space and time and “get back to base”. If you don’t you could screw up someone else’s life simply because you’re not ready!

He doesn’t know my address, I’m ex directory so he can’t ring my landline and the calls to my mobile at various hours of the night, from a withheld number, which hang up when I answer, are now very few and far between. I haven’t seen or spoken to him for 14 months now and life gets better every day! Time is a great healer. It helps tremendously living in another town from him ‘cos I’m not constantly looking over my shoulder. My family and friends have been great and I couldn’t have got through this without them. The bottom line is why waste your time and energy on someone who doesn’t love or respect you? Jealousy isn’t love! You need to have respect for yourself and trust is a must. If you don’t, then you’ll probably find that others have no respect for you either. We are all deserving of a good, lasting, healthy relationship. Why settle for anything less?

Good luck to you all.

Back again. I agree with Ind about meditating. The only time I feel completely free from my loss is when I am meditating at my Yoga class. If you can’t go to a class you should buy a video or go to a retreat. Not only do you feel good while you are meditating but it puts things into perspective later- atleast for a little while. I guess it makes you forget about everything for a little while…being a monk must be a pretty good life. Sometimes I think the only way I will be happy again is if I become a monk and meditate all the time….because when I’m not meditating I’m holding onto the pain. The pain is like an apendage…I try to get rid of it but it won’t go away except when I meditate. But later on I feel it again- I scream, cry, write, draw, exercise, read…still the grief replenishes itself…I try to expel it and more grows back in it’s place. He is a really bad alcoholic…..the worst I’ve ever seen. I took a leap of faith towards him and he let me fall into an abyss. I’m not an alcoholic….so I’ll never understand. I blame his alcoholic parents. It is one of the most insideous addictions around. I would have given my life for him….and I was just his recepticle. I haven’t figured out my lesson. I haven’t seen the reason for it all. I’ll never date another alcoholic. I want to hate him but thats just not my style. This sucks. They say you have to learn to cope with your loss. If you are a mean alcoholic loser you should stay with your own kind because then you can just be unhappy alcoholic losers together instead of ruining good peopls lives who just want to help and love you. All you alcoholics who mess up good peoples lives SUCK! You should go get some help. What ever you do you should stay away from nonalcoholics because all you do is mess things up. It’s your choice to be an alcoholic loser, just try to keep your crap life to yourself. The more you let your crap life spill over the more lives you ruin…and for the love of God PLEASE DON’T HAVE CHILDREN . All we need in this world is more messed up kids from children of addicts. Children deserve better than a drunk for a parent. Life is a miracle from the Creator…drink it away if you want but stay the hell a way from people who are trying to live positively, and don’t have kids or animals or plants that you can’t love properly. If you can’t handle yourself do it alone or get help…stop destroying other peoples lives.

L, Jane and others,

Thank you for sharing these difficult emotions and experiences. It is helpful to know that others coming from abusive relationships share the paradoxical experience of knowing, “He was abusive. He’s done a number on my head. Good riddance,” but feeling heart-broken and sad just the same. The worst thing is falling into the trap he wanted you to fall into, the one that has you believing, “He was right after all. There’s something wrong with me. It’s all my fault.”

I never in a million years thought I would get into an abusive relationship and stay with someone who downright frightened me, but I did for nearly two years. I am 37 and have had a few serious relationships but have never been married. It’s something I finally felt ready for and when I met him, I was sure he was the one I’d been waiting for. He swept me into a definitive whirlwind romance. He’s wildly charming and quite generous, so everybody loves him. So did I.

Problem is, charming, brilliant Dr. Jeckyl turned into Mr. Hyde. He lied, called me names, threw my deepest fears and secrets back in my face, screamed at me, alienated my friends, and finally became a physical threat. He begged forgiveness and said he accepted responsibility for what he called his “bad behavior.” But through it all, he insisted it was all my doing; he wouldn’t act this way if I would just love him more.

I had warning signs I rationalized away. Like, he’d had three failed marriages. (I know! I know!) A falling-out with his sister involved physical violence and the police. He hadn’t spoken to his mother in four years. He lost his fat corporate job because of a “discrepency” on his resume. In all these situations one thing was the same, it was all their fault.

Does this knowledge mean I now call a spade a spade and recognize this mess was not my fault? No.

When it finally ended about two months ago, it was such a relief not to be screamed at all the time that I thought I’d moved on. I passed all the tests, I did not contact him when he left flowers at my door or sent e-mails. I hadn’t loved him for some time and didn’t want him back.

Then, about a week ago, I heard he is seeing someone new the same time I learned a close friend has just two months to live. Whatever the trigger, I am right back in a depression that characterized the end of this relationship. I can’t sleep, I have anxiety attacks, I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I feel stupid, worthless, unwanted, crazy, and paranoid. I don’t want to leave the house and go out in town because I feel like he and this perfect new lover of his are around every corner.

Everyone is telling me, “Good! Now he’s someone else’s problem.” They don’t understand why I am upset. Neither do I.

It can’t be just ego, but ego got to me two nights ago, in my beyond-stupid move to drink and dial. I wanted to get peace of mind , but — of course! — all I got was more material for self abuse. He says, “You couldn’t be happy with me because you weren’t happy with yourself.” Do I think of the happy life I had before him? Do I think about his all-night, crazed phone calling? Do I think about the fist he put through my closet door instead of my face? No. I think about how I caused all this behavior because I don’t love myself.

Well, tomorrow I’m going to a therapist to find out about that. In one way, this makes me feel like he is right, I am mentally ill and that’s why this relationship didn’t work. But I think that’s just more of his head-trip bullshit. Being in relationships like this one hurt you in ways you can’t heal all by yourself. If he had broken my arm, I would have gone to a doctor. That’s what I have to do for my heart.

Like one post here recommended, walk straight into the pain. But do it with some proper tools.
And pay attention to these stories. DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX! Unless you need a kidney and he’s the only match, just don’t do it.

I pretty much woke up from a nightmare at the beginning of May this year that lasted just shy of 2 years but it had definetly felt longer. You feel like you wasted those 2 years. He did everything shitty to me short of beating me up although he came dangerously close quite a few times. He lied to me in the beginning when he told me he didn’t do drugs. When in fact he had a very big drug problem. By the time his true colors started showing I had already fallen in love and cared very deeply. When standing outside of a situation like this (outside the box) like your friends you know your being stupid, you know that you can’t save someone that doesen’t want saved, and you know that he’s just gonna bring you down. However, when you throw love and careing into it you don’t wanna leave. You’d feel guilty because then you’d feel like you were letting someone down when they need you the most even though this is someone that’s treats you so shitty and constantly lifts you up in short moments making you think everyting is gonna be alright then knocking you right back into the ground. But, you wanna have faith in people. You’re are willing to make sarcrifices, you’re willing to get treated like shit, stolen from, talked to liked a dog, alienated, cheated on, you’re willing enough to have had such a great life before when everything was in