One of the things I do and suggest to other people is to write exactly what’s on your mind. I’ve done this for years and it helped me through a couple of relationship ends and other difficult times in my life. Buy a $3 notebook and put pen to paper.

It was cathartic to get it all down, but it also helped down the road when I read what I’d written 6, 9 or 12 months prior. It gave me perspective. People say you should forget the bad stuff from the past. I agree unless you can learn from it. And writing has given me the opportunity.

This is also a good habit to get into when travelling.

Best of luck to your friends, Matt.

I drank heavily and acted like an asshole. But, you know, I was 19 years old and it seemed to help at the time. *grin*

Although I did find carrying around a list of the person’s faults helped, too. You know, when you’re feeling shitty, you pull it out and remind yourself it’s all for the best.

Watching friends suffer is horrible. It’s also frustrating, because there are limits to what you can do: it’s their relationship, their grief, and their lonesome valley — you can’t walk it for them.

A relationship ending is a death and it has to be grieved. What’s worse, THREE things have died: the relationship they were in; the relationship they THOUGHT they were in; and the relationship-in-the-sky they were HOPING to be in. So the first thing friends have to remember is that “getting over it” is likely to be a time-consuming process. And “over” probably isn’t the right word, even — “through,” maybe? If the other party was unfaithful, abusive, inconsiderate, mean, selfish, or otherwise “bad,” then they also get to feel stupid because they didn’t see it sooner. Recovery is a very variable process — grieving usually brings up memories and feelings of all our other losses — if we’ve recovered well from those, we usually recover from whatever comes next. If we carry a lot of unresolved grief, the process is a bear. If you’ve been around for other losses your friends have suffered, you may have some good ideas about what has been supportive to them. If the losses of the relationship involve housing, income, children or pets, there may be a lot of practical support you can provide – just finding phone numbers, addresses, people to consult with can be a great help. My own feeling is that no matter how painful a breakup is, it’s way less painful than being in a continuing relationship that SHOULD have broken up.

From a purely practical point of view, the big problem, initially, is TIME. There are huge blanks in the day now — all the time they spent with the other person, the time they spent thinking about him/her, the time they spent thinking/planning about the relationship….. So it’s a good time to start or re-start a hobby. Creative work seems to be especially helpful – this might be the time to dive into Chinese watercolors or butter sculpture. If they’ve been exercising, they need to keep it up; if not, a good friend to go for walks with them (or swimming or yoga class) is wonderful. People who are into their space might like to do a little redecorating — and they might not, too. It’s never a bad idea for them to volunteer to help someone else — they may not want or be able to make a regular commitment, but there are usually one-shot deals (moving books for the library) available. My own preference is lots of reading (but that’s my answer to everything!), and I think novels are preferable to the majority of self-help books. Read all the Harry Potters right through – THERE’S someone who knows about loss!

And the big difficulty for friends is that there is no one way because people grieve differently. Avoiding alcohol and other drugs is a good idea; encouraging healthy interactions with the world is good — but beyond that, some people are refreshed by time alone and some sink into despair. Journaling really helps some people and makes others feel way more miserable. Sometimes it’s good for them to talk and kind for you to listen; sometimes it would be better if you diverted them a bit. If you know them well enough to know how they handled other losses, that would give you some clues. You just have to use your friend instincts, hope for the best, and make course corrections as you go along. It is almost impossible for you to do anything so bad that it can’t be corrected fairly easily.) Encouraging fun is always good, and fortunately there movies! Some people like to mark the end of a relationship with a ritual (no, NOT a human sacrifice ); others think that’s the stupidest idea they’ve ever heard. It helps to have a spiritual practice. Friends who have pets are likely to be better off.

All this is to say it hurts; it takes time; and there’s only so much you can do. No matter how much they need, make sure you’re taking good care of yourself first. Don’t be surprised if you want them to be “over it” WAAY before they are ready. People with complicated grief reactions should see grief counselors. Friends are only obligated to be friends, not saviors. Indeed, just being a friend, doing all the friend things you’ve always done, is a bigger support than you know. Everything in life is better with friends – good luck to all of you!

(Hey, everybody – I apologize for the incredible length of this post. I had sent it to Matt – in slightly different form – as an email, and he asked if I would put it here, so I am. It’s really an AWFUL lot of words, though!)

Recognizing that you have to move on and recognizing that it’s going to take time. Bad thing to do: think starting new relationships of any kind (including one night stands and whatnot) will help. They just delay the healing process.

When my slut bitch of a girlfriend revealed some news to me via late night phone call, I was furious. I ransacked my room for everything she ever gave to me or that we shared for the past 1.5 years and brought them with me to work the next morning. I FedEx overnighted them to her work [at a Kinko’s] - I had free access to FedEx at work which I never abused until that day. I sent them to her work because someone had to be there to sign for it, but subconsciously, I’m sure I did it to be more public.

This breakup was pretty horrible and dragged on for a bit, but this was my immediate action.

It felt _good_

I went through this about ten years ago and it rocked my world (and not in a good way). The first thing you have to do (and most importantly) is admit defeat and let yourself grieve (it’s almost like experiencing a death). You also have to understand that anger might play into your emotions as well so try and keep a hold on to that emotion and don’t take it out on the wrong people. The other thing, is have a sounding board, find a good friend with a sympathetic ear, someone who will just let you go and LET IT OUT. Cry if you have to, rave if that helps, and allow a bit of wallowing in self pity (you earned it).

Once you have the initial hurt out of you system, the next thing that must be done is to remove things from your environment that remind you of your ex. Kind of like what Angela Bassett did in “Waiting to Exhale” with her Love Hang Over yard sale. Or you can do what I did. I took all of Mr. Ex’s crap that was still here and I gave it away and the stuff I could not give away I threw away — it felt very liberating.

Next, just get away from everything and everyone. If you can afford it, go take a plane trip somewhere and pamper yourself. If you can’t afford that, then just take yourself to the beach or to the mountains or maybe just go to a mall or museum (provided it was not a place you ever went to with your ex). At the very least, go out and get yourself a frivolous gift, even if it’s just a fattening lunch because again, you have earned it.

And finally, believe it or not, hold on to this thought; As bad as it feels now, in time it will pass and you will move on and life will get good again. I swear to god, I’ve lived this and I know how true it is.

The best way to get over a man is to get under a new one.

The practice of Bikram yoga, every day, without fail, helped me get over a really really bad ending to a really really fucked up relationship.

Sweat it out, people.

i find that talking to god about everything and trusting that it is all part of a greater plan for your life is the most comforting solution. give yourself time to heal dont put time limits on it.a relationship is not built in days or weeks, so dont expect to be over one too quickly. also remember that if it is truely gods will for a person to be in your life, god will lead them back to you.allow yourself to be angry or to throw things, to scream, cry, do what you feel you gotta do, so that you can go on with your life and be the most positive poerson you can be,peace!!!!!!!!!

My friends have been there for me this past summer. A summer filled with my overdue hard core look at a relationship I was in and how destructive it has been. The best thing that they did for me was to listen without judging me or telling me what to do. Giving me their undivided, never ending support — regardless of what my choice was. The helped to remind me about the girl they knew before this relationship (much happier and confident). They were honest with me and told me how things looked to them from an outside perspective. They helped me recognize that I had settled for way less than I deserved and always encouraged me that I would find that one man. The were an example with their own life — allowing me to see them with their husband’s/boyfriends and see how a healthy relationship acts. They filled my mind with thoughts like “you can do it”, “you will be so much happier”, “love yourself”, and “call me day or night”. They gave me books and CD’s (my passion) so I wasn’t listening to music from the past. They scheduled lots of girls night out and took my cell phone from me. They became my backbone when I had none and instilled my faith again in what love should feel like — really, really good. They gave that kind of love to me.

i AM AN EX PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND FEEL CLUELESS AS TO HOW TO DEAL WITH THE END OF MY RELATIONSHIP. AT 41 YEARS OLD, AFTER MEETING OVER THE INTERNET, THEN IN PERSON FLYING TO ANOTHER COUNTRY GETTING A HUGE ENGAGEMENT RING, FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE FAMILY, AND THEN FINDING MY PRINCE WAS EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. I COULDN’T TELL AT FIRST, HE WAS SUCH A PRINCE, GIVING GIFTS, TIME, EVEN CRYING WITH ME WHEN SAD, ONLY TO BECOME HARDENED AT TEH END OF TEH TRIP AND THEN ENDING THE RELATIONSHIP A MONTH LATER OVER THE PHONE AS i EMAILED ABOUT HIS FREQUENT PUTTING ME DOWN FOR BEING IN BETWEEN CAREERS AND NOT AS FOCUSED AND DIRECTED AS HE NEEDED ME TO BE. HE UNDERMINDED MY CONFIDENCE AFTER SPENDING MONTHS BUILDING IT UP. WHEN CONFRONTED WITH HIS BEHAVIOR HE TOLD ME I WS MEAN AND HURTFUL AND COULD NEVER FORGIVE ME AND I WAS JUST TELLING TEH TRUTH. WHAT I LEARNED, IF I MAY PUT MY CLINICAL EXPERIENCE TO TEH TEST IS THAT HE IS A NARCISSIST/ BORDERLINE PERSONALTY DISORDERED PERSON. LOOK IT UP ON THE INTERNET IF YOU DON’T KOW WHAT IT MEANS BECAUS IT WILL SAVE YOU FROM BALMING YOURSELF WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS. I CAN TELL YOU THIS, BE CAREFUL OF PEOPLE WHO PROMISE THE WORLD, MAKE IMMEDIATE PROMISES, AND IMPULSIVELY BY YOU 7,000 DOLLAR RINGS! i WOULD HAHVE BEEN HAPPY WITH HIM JUST ENJOYING GOING TO CHURCH TOGETHER. SO WHY IS THIS SO PAINFUL IF HE TURNED OUT TO BE SUCH A JERK? BECAUSE HE REMINDS ME OF HOW MY FATHER TREATED ME AND MEN PRIOR TO HIM SO I AM GRIEVING TEH LOSSES OF SOOOOOOOOO MANY PEOPLE, NOT TO MENTION TWO DEATHS I HAD IN CHILDHOOD. SO I GUESS IT ISN’T ALL ABOUT HIM IT IS THE REJECTION AND ABANDONMENT I FELT AS A CHILD AND THROUGHOUT MY LIFE WITH UNDESERVING MEN. MY ADVICE, IF IT HURTS GET A GOOD THERAPIST, DON’T BLAME YOURSELF TOO MUCH. THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT TEHRE WHO WILL ALWAYS PUT THEIR BEST FOOT FORWARD, AND THE OTHER ONE , WELL WATCH OUT. THEY SAY IT TAKES A LONG TIME TO SEE SOMEONE’S TRUE COLORS, WHAT A PERSON IS IN THE BEGINNNING MAY BE AN ACT, A FRONT TO WIN YOU OVER, BUT EVENTUALLY THE TRUTH COMES OUT. IT WILL SET YOU FREE, BUT IT MAY HURT. IT IS ALL TOO RAW FOR ME, I MAY JUST CHANGE MY NUMBER AND EMAIL AND SO I WILL NEVER KNOW IF HE CALLLS OR TIRES TO GET ME AND NO MORE WONDERING “WHAT IF” WHEN TEH “UNKNOWN NUMBER” OR “OUT OF AREA” CALL COMES IN WITH A HANG UP. SOOOOO, GET TO COUNSELING, DON’T BLAME YOURSELF IF YOU WERE KIND AND GAVE IT YOUR BEST, LOOK UP NARCISSISTIC/ BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DOSORDER AND YOU MAY FIND YOUR EX AND BE RELIEVED NEVER TO HAVE TO HEAR THEIR SELFISH VOICE AGAIN. I GUESS IF IT IS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, IT USUALLY IS, AND TO BE WEARY OF SELLING YOUR SOUL TO TEH DEVIL. hE PROMISED TO BECOME CLOSER TO GOD AND WHEN I GOT TO ENGLAND HE DIDN’T EVEN WANT TO DEAL WITH THE ISSUE. SO, I HAVE CRIED, BEEN TO COUNSELING, DRIVEN MY FMAILY CRAZY, ONLY TO LEARN, JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER DOESN’T MEAN IT WON’T HURT. BUT TO YOU WOMEN OUT THERE, NOONE DESRVES VERBAL ABUSE, EVEN IF THEY ARE GETTING EVERY MATERIAL COMFORT IN TEH WORLD. I WOULD HAVE BEEN HAPPY WITH JUST A LITTLE EMOTIONAL STABILITY. BE WEARY OF PEOPLE WHO PUT MONEY BEFORE GOD, THER WILL BE NO ROOM FOR YOU IN THE RELATIONSHIP. SINCERELY, KRISTIN BROOKS

To All The Broken Hearted,

The sad truth is, if you really loved, I mean deeply and truly, and you were loved in return, you will never be over the end of that relationship. It will be the hardest thing you ever face. There will be days when you will go through the motions, and it will mean nothing to you. You will cry yourself to sleep, and wake up to a cup of yesterday’s reheated coffee. You’ll be in the car and hear a song on the radio that makes you break down so hard you have to pull over. You’ll think about throwing away the ring, but end up slipping it back on your finger.
Then, when it seems like you can’t go on one more day, you’ll get used to it all. The drama ultimately will wind down out of sheer fatigue. You’ll get a routine. You’ll make fresh coffee in the morning. You’ll even laugh at jokes again. But you’ll miss that love every day of your life. I’m on day 681. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Houston Girl

I cant say anything but that the relationship breakup stage is terrible, and that is what I am going through now. crying, angry, defeated, crying, again, and the worst part of it, is that i cant go back to the life I had before the relationship because I have changed too much. Its time to move on but i really dont know what or where to.

Dismay

I (we) just ended a 4 year relationship with a couple of breakups along the way. I spent days crying, screaming, and then I began to talk and write about it. I also have read everything I can on grieving and ending relationships. Also one of my best friends is going thru a worse divorce and we talk alot. The thing I have found that helps most though is praying about it. I have asked God to remove my obsession with this man and to give this man everything good that he needs. It really works. This has cleared my mind enough to look back and recognize warning signs and realize that part of my staying with this man was a fear of loneliness, so I am doing some writing on that too. Fortunately we still care about each other so there really is not much fear or anger involved. Always remember that a breakup does not have to be ugly.

I just don’t think life will ever be normal again. I was in a relationship for twenty years off and on. This man is the love of my life. We live very near to each other and live in a small town, so I see him alot. He was always unfaithful to me and it seems crazy that I can’t let the past go. I guess I’ve never really grieved over the last break-up with him ( a year and a half ago). I’m searching for some answers to move on. It has gotten much better, but I just can’t seem to forget him.

I have been locked in an absolutely miserable verbal/mental/emotional abusive relationship for 15 years if you can call it that. We are not even married, so when I leave at least there will be no divorce to have to worry about. The first 5 months were the best part of our relationship;after I got pregnant with my first son it was just a slow descent into emotional hell.

He never failed to bring up to all his friends and even his children from his failed marriage how I “set out to trap him”. Every chance he got. Talk about stabbing me in the heart with a smile. He was so friendly and charming when I met him. Boy did I get suckered.

He would either “escape” from me if I got too close to him emotionally, or lash out and rip my heart to shreds if he couldn’t escape. I felt like I was walking on emotional eggshells, because I never knew when he would be kind, funny and nice, or when he would drop an emotional “bomb” on me. He made it very easy for me to clam up on him and shut him out. I honestly don’t think there was one area about me that he didn’t attack then try to pass it off as “teasing” or joking.

I left him 2 sons and 9 years into a relationship that left me stripped of all self worth, self esteem, and self respect. The absolute rock bottom was when he attack my abilities as a mother, plus pulled every sly, manipulating trick he could think of to get between the relationship with me and my children.
I left him and went into a battered women’s shelter, started rebuilding myself, then 6 months later made the horrible decision to come back and give our relationship one more try.

Three weeks of “honeymoon” then a rapid descent into an emotional hell worse than before. I guess it took 5 more years of having my face thourghly rubbed in crap before I finally made a New Year’s Resolution
to leave for good.

So here I am at this point, blown up to 300 bls, my health in piss poor shape, have no medical coverage of any kind, less than zero self respect, self love or self worth, hating him so much that it’s hell waking up every morning looking at him, let alone having to interact with him. I finally went online to try to gain some type of knowledge of his behavior and finally figured out that he is a full blown narrcisst.

At this point in my life, I am starting to stand up for myself(suffering in silence just seems to make it much worse), save every penny I can(I get a $98 check each month that one of my kids draws off his SS Disability check)continue to go to my paid to read e mail sites(I’m accumulating genuine easy money) and plan to cash out in November. I have a good Schwinn bicycle with a rear rack and old milk crate for storage, and a fron basket attached to the front, 3 good backpacks. I have a definate destination to go to, and a primary and secondary plan to get a job, a place to live(alone of course)

This “man” if you can call him that, has resented me, disrespected me , so often, humiliated me, attacked me, lashed out at me, done every thing he could think of, whenever he wanted to play his power trips or whatever, to grind me down, that I will be GLAD to walk out of this hellhole and leave him for good.

Any chance that there ever was for us to have a genuine, committed, honest, committed relationship, is so far gone I’m not interested in doing anything to save or salvage it even if I could.

I went through a horrible break up with the person who was the first of many new experiences in my life. I changed myself for him(which I shoud have never done) I gave him all my love and my emotions. He promised he would always be there for me, but in the end he wasnt. That taught me not to give away my emotions so easily next time.(Its a good thing to learn) But I will always remember what my best friend told me, ” The end of something always seems bad, but the truth is the end of one thing is ALWAYS the beginning of something new” My advice to anyone who feels the agony of losing someone special is to focus on the new.

Flower

What does it mean if your boyfriend of 5 1/2 years simultaniously says he wants to break up with you but is willing to work it out? He’s telling everyone that we’ve broken up but….? I feel like he’s taken all the cards and is asking me to crawl to him and MAYBE he’ll play again. And why did he break up with me? He had the realisation that he loves me dearly as a friend, he really likes me as a person but…doesn’t love me as a partner! I’m sorry, but isn’t your partner ment to be your friend and arn’t relationships a fluid thing, which moves and sways as time goes by? He has been suffering from depression almost the whole time we’ve been together (honeymoon period excepted) and I feel like all the love, time and energy is gone and this is what I get for thanks. I beleive that he should of come to me with his realisation and talked to me about it and had a mind to resolutin BEFORE breaking up. Trying to fix a relationship AFTER leaving it is like trying to fix a car while you’re behind the wheel. I feel like I’m trying to win him back and I’m feeling like a loser. He’s dumped me but given me just enough hope and love to make me feel like I’m being torn in two. Is this emotional abuse?

a year ago last week I met a man who completly turned me upside down and inside out the first time I saw him. He was so different from anything that I have ever been involved with before, different in every aspect. He has been on my mind every minute of the day since that moment I saw him. Needless to say he told many lies, lies that I let myself believe because I was so intwined. Now its over, and for reasons I do not really know. I recently heard a comment on Oprah from an author, she said, “There is no such thing as Prince Charming, and thats not what you should want. A man that sweeps you off you feet also sweeps you away from your self, your soul, and reality.” This comment has really helped me face every new day.

Faith

The quote is absolutely true!! I think they lack “soul” and its really very hurting and a painfull emotional roller coaster ride. We get wiser and less attached as we move along. It makes me really wonder if there is any such thing as “love” or is it just an illusion.

I’m writing this post to compliment UncleHorns. I’m three weeks out of a healthy, fantastic, three year relationship that dissolved in a matter of one month because it became apparent to both of us that it just wouldn’t work. This could be tougher than recovering from a bad relationship, where the problems are more obvious. Here’s what I’ve done to start the healing process…

As UncleHorns began, writing is perhaps the single most important exercise in a post-breakup world. You’ll be surprised what you put down on paper. Sometimes you write things that you can’t yet say or even admit to yourself, but low and behold, they make it onto paper. Moreover, when you become confused or your feelings cloud the issue, you can always return to your writing to think through the real issues.

Also, difficult as it is, end all contact with the person. Not forever, but until you are strong on your own. Next time you see them, you should be able to enjoy their company as a friend and not want or need anything else.

Other great suggestions I’ve read here include picking up new hobbies and finding some new meaningful interactions on a day to day basis. Tough, but rewarding and worth your effort.

Onward…

I am 6 months out of a 23 year relationship with an emotionally, physically and sexually abusive man. I have 3 young children from this relationship. This is the first time in my life that I have ever lived alone and I love it!
I want to know if anyone on this site ever feared that they were incapable of knowing how to be in a good relationship ever? I have met a man who was my friend before I left my husband and he treats me well and we get along easily but I always wonder if I should stop seeing him because I don’t believe I’m worthy of good treatment and I don’t know how to accept it. I also fear that I’m missing something important and maybe he is mean to me and I just don’t notice. It’s all very confusing and yet I really enjoy being with this person.
Does anyone on here have any advice for me? Please help.
Thank you,
Brenda

Well i ev myself gone through a bad relationship , i was betrayed and so felt terribly bad .
The guy turned out be a scum and there was nothing much i could .
i suggest to all out there going through the rough patch that - it would all be okay and they should trust themselves and don’t ever blame urself for anything if something didn’t work it jus didn’t .

Advice:
1.Take care of yourself and mentallly flip off the person who you are leaving behind.
2. The pain will go away and you will be yourself again after this period of insanity and self loathing. Most the time after you heal you will think “thank GOd that is over”.
3. Love yourself -like they say the best revenge in living well.
4. Exercise, eat right, take your vitamins reconnect with friends or join some activity for instance a Peace movement, Vegetarian Society, Sports team or something to get social.
5. Completely cut yourself off with communication with this person. No emails or calls ever and for sure don’t drink and dial.
6. Love is a mystical event you will have it again. If it is ended it was meant to end. Kiss it goodbye move on otherwise life will not be able to show you your “real lover”.
7. Help others someone else is suffering too either emotionally or physically, transcend yourself and you will find happiness again.

Well this has been really hard for me but I am trying to trust that God really has a plan for me and she is not part of it. When people say don’t call or e-mail believe me this is the single most important thing you must do. Everytime she calls I answer and everytime I get kicked in the chest by her one way or another. This is lunacy and I will not take anymore calls or e-mails from this day forward. Just responding to this blog has been uplifting as I have writtern several responses and deleted them up to this one.

I think the best thing for me and others to do is get well and change you, if you don’t you will get into the same type of destructive damning relationship you left or broke up from this time and every other time. Read, write, pray get a new hobby whatever but emotionally take a good look at you. Why? Ask the question, what did I do to make this relationship bad and then make the changes so the next time you know how to communicate with true love and feeling.

It hurts like hell now i have been trying to heal from a very bad breakup for the last two months. i did eveything humanly possible: met new friends, took on new hobbies , gave more time to work , went out alot.

but last night someone told me that my ex after only two months is already in a new relationship! i feel like all that i have built has been in vain i feel worse than ever.

Dina, I feel sorry for you but, my ex left on 10-8-06 and on the same night she was already hooked up. We were married for 2 years and together for 5 years. She has continued with the same person and the only reason I know is because of the cell bill. Trusting someone again with my heart will be a long time from now. Like I said before look at you because you were in the relationship and change the things that you can to make it right next time.

Hey
i am going through a very rough patch , i had a relationship which broke off abt three months ago , but i am still suffering and badly hurt.
i do know it’s not going anywhere but i deny to accept the idea that he is gone and all’s finished .
don’t know where is this going to lead me - can anyone help.
thanks

I was in a relationship for about 2 years with someone that I loved more than life itself. I miss her so much, I really don’t know what to do. Every minute of the day I check to see if she called or emailed me even though I know the answer to if and or when that will happen. I made one mistake early on, and because of that mistake, I ruined a relationship with someone that I loved so much and know I will never find a closer match. I really don’t have any friends in the area (all have moved away) and I just don’t know what to do with myself. I have been living off of sleeping pills (to help me sleep and forget) and water…because I have no hunger left. I’ve tried to contact her and she just does not respond. If I give up…will she just forget about me? I can’t believe that life can hurt like this.

Blue Fish , the end of a relationship is always rough , i know because iam passing through the same phase ur in. However, you really have to realize that nothing can mend what is already broken. In the end you have to understand that you dont have a choice but to move on and adopt apositive attitude towards the future.

You will say that this is easier said than done ( which i did myself) but after a while six months or so you feel better and time will be your only salvation to forgetfulness.

Be patient and Hold on ….. at least this is what iam doing!

Jamie

Sounds like you are going through a similar experience to me, although im a bit further on, we broke up almost two years ago now.

You want wanna hear it, but it “will” get better with time.
If you need a friend contact me

carlsinbox at gmail dot com

Thank you all for your comments, its been very comforting to read that other people have gone though similar situations. I was in an emotionally-abusive relationship that ended about a year ago. Over this past year, I have come so far, I am so much more confident and secure with who I am. But recently, due to feeling depressed, I have been questioning myself if I made the right decision to walk away the way I did. We’ve been in contact, and I can’t believe how easy it has been for me to fall right back into those old behaviors. I thought I had come so far, and it has really scared me to see how easy it is to sink back into the past, no matter how long its been. Does anyone think that you can ever truly get over an abusive relationship?

This is in response to Kat as well as my own feelings/insights.
I am so glad that I stumbled across this site. I came out of an 8 year relationship, married for 4 of those and it ended a year ago. It was an emotionally abusive relationship, but we had started dating so young (16) that he was all I ever knew, and I didn’t know that love wasn’t supposed to be that way. We would break up and get back together and he would repeat the same abusive cycles, but I always went back to him (which is part of the emotional abuse cycle). It took me a long long time to gain the personal strength to finally walk away and accept that I couldn’t change the relationship into the dream that I had for us. It’s been a year, and I have come a long long way. I took the past year to heal, find out who I was apart from the relationship and make sure that I didn’t make the same mistake again. I’m in a new relationship now and it’s healthy and 100% different from what I came out of, but I still struggle with the emotional aftermath even now. I go through times of saddness and depression even though my new life is filled with joy and love. It takes a loooong time to heal. Especially if there has been emotional abuse. I had such a hard time believing the TRUTH about myself after being put down for 8 years and believing that I wasn’t worth being valued that now I struggle with believing I DESERVE the life that I have now. Kat, I can relate. I had contact with my ex and I felt the same pull and how easy it would be to fall back into it. Kat-Resist!!! It is only your feelings of rejection / abandonment and/or defeat that is causing you to feel that way. If he accepts you back, then the feelings of rejection get replaced with acceptance and you regain your feelings of self worth, but you should feel self-worth on your own, not because of someone else. I STILL struggle with staying OUT of the repetative abusive cycles, because I have been in it for so long, thats what is ‘normal’ to me, but it’s not healthy! My advice, coming from a similar relationship is stay away from him, cut all ties/contact, get rid of things that remind you of the relationship, and start building your life around what makes you happy and makes you feel YOU! Surround yourself with friends and family and people who will pick you up when you start to stumble. Have someone you can call when you feel the urge to contact your ex oreven respond to your ex.
Like everyone else here has said, WRITE, jot down all the things your ex did to beat you down or make you feel low about yourself, then remind yourself that you’re worth more than that. It’s a long road, but I do honestly believe that you can fully heal from an emotionally abusive relationship if you take the right steps to recovery. Do NOT deny yourself grieving even though it was a ‘healthy’ loss, it was still a loss, and mostly you lost ‘yourself’. Thats the biggest hurdle, because you only feel like you are complete when you are with that person. You need to be able to feel complete without that person. Take your time. Make emotionally healthy decisions. And spoil yourself!!! Make yourself feel of worth and value and once you value yourself, you will attract people who will see you for what you are truly worth and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Yes it will bring up more confusion and emotional battles, because you won’t be used to a real relationship, but don’t self-destruct. Allow yourself to accept good treatment and love. Don’t push it away because you don’t feel worthy. I struggled with this, but I found someone who understands me and has supported me and encouraged me. And I am now pulling through the other side. I know you will too if you keep pushing forward and take the right steps to fully heal. Yes I do believe you can recover from an emotionally abusive relationship, you just have to WANT to. Refuse to be a Victim!! And as was said above “ONWARD”!!!

I have been dating the same girl for a little over two and a half years. The first year was perfect of course, and then we broke up about ten times and got back together every time except for this last time. She had gotten physical with me on numerous occassions, one of which was right in front of her parents! We even went to counseling but we did not apply what we learned. We were constantly assasinating one another’s character and I felt like I was constantly being analyzed. The truth is, as bad as I want to change her, I can’t…nobody can change! I finally lost my best friend for good, but it’s for the best. One thing that is helping me get through this is learning to be happy being alnone again, because what we all miss as human beings is having that companionship, regaurdless of whether or not it was healthy. Remember, there are other fish in the sea!

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years.He was a liar, cheater and a heart breaker all those years. I dont even know why i stick with him all those time but i was very much in love with him and hoping that he was gonna change one day (never happened). Somehow i find some strength in me to broke up with him 3 months ago, and as soon as we broke up he started dating with his best friend.Actually i wasnt expecting him to move on that fast.He is still dating with her and we are still talking(the worst thing is he considers me as his best friend).In the beginning the reason i kept in touch with him was to show him that i dont give a damn about him and im not jealous of him and her(total lie to myself).I even went to a party where i was in the same environment with him and his new girlfriend for long time(it destroyed me).Whenever we talk he still tells me that he loves me and her at the same time.I know sounds terribly sick,i just want to get away from him and do not want to answer his calls anymore.In the beginning i was trying to look cool but it was a stupid thing to do and somehow rapped myself in this bad situation.If i tell him i dont want to talk with him anymore he is going to think that i still love him- eventhough i still do- but i dont want him to know that. I dont know how to get out from this
situation.Help me plz!

I know this is going to sound hard to do, but be ready to simply break off all contact with him. No explanation is required. And continue no contact.

It’s amazing to me that most of the emotions I’m feeling are shared by all of you. I don’t know why I should be amazed, of course it’s perfectly natural, but I guess when you are in a dark hole and you feel as if your world has been shattered, it’s a very lonely place. I do feel like I’m greiving. Perhaps the worst part is that I do not feel as if my ex is greiving. He lied to me from the start. There were a lot of problems, but something convinced me to see only the potential and the good. I thought I could change him. Big mistake. You can’t change anyone who doesn’t want to change. So he continued to lie to me and went back to a woman in his past. He simply expected me to go away. He cut off contact with me, no explanation, and I was left to put the pieces together on my own. When I did confront him, he lied to my face and tried to make it my fault. I too have the impulse to talk to him still, to be his friend… I’m not nearly as angry as I should be. It just feels surreal. How could someone I cared/care for and who at least appeared very convincingly to care for me have treated me in this way?
I’ve found that I have to take it day by day. Being honest with myself about how I’m feeling is important to me. I recognize that I have weak moments when I only remember the good times, but I don’t let them have power over me. I have the potential to be far happier than he ever will. It really is a matter of letting go, seriously and continuously. Cut off all contact, don’t ask mutual acquaintances for information, get rid of reminders of him/her. It will be very difficult to do, but much better in the long run. You can’t heal yourself until you let go. The most important thing I have to tell myself is that it isn’t about him, it’s about me now. I can’t make him feel bad for what he has done, I can’t allow it to make me feel bitter even if it feels as if he is getting away with something. I have to do what is best for me. And perhaps in time this will all seem like a distant, bad dream.

I think I am like the cheezy 80’s hit “Here I go again on my own”. I left her because she was such a selfish bitch career oriented inane and cunning drain on my life. I went down spiritually and financially because of her. For 2 years she kept pressing me for an engagement ring and pressing me for what I would do for her, when meanwhile she was totally too self absorbed to “do” anything for me. I would marry and start a family with a good hearted woman but maybe in America Im too outdated at 36. Why is it always the middle aged career hags that are looking for a “real man”. Your version of a real man is really a feminized waiter with cash and a brain that thinks only for you.

It’s comforting to read the various responses of how people deal with disspointment in their past relationships. I was in a relationship for several years with a girl that had very little self esteem. She was attractive and smart, but lacked support and love as a child to develop these things. A couple of years into the relationship she left me to cash in her newly realized attractiveness. The truth is, she was always attractive, but now she knew it. It was rejecting on many levels, but the lasting pain was the fantasy I carried that she would someday forsake her new mission of vanity for the intimacy that we shared. I spent the following couple of years increasing my wealth and occasionally dating an attractive girl in the attempt to win her back. Eventually I realized that I was whoring myself out to the world in order to win someone back who was doing the same. Her reason for this was validation from the world, mine was convincing her that I was as good as anything she was going to find out there. I wanted my love and concern for her to be the important pillar in her life.

I suppose any seed I invested in her life may pay off in the long run. The applause of the peanut gallery just doesn’t stay rewarding for very long.

The torment of this past relationship lasted for several years. We have a child so limiting contact was difficult. My heart eventually started to heal when I met a girl whom I trusted and loved more than the original. A part of my heart will always feel bad for my ex, but I have great joy knowing the possibilities that lay ahead.

I’m convinced that when you lose everything, you MUST start again. You must not curse God for the destruction that has fallen upon you, but push forward with all of your might to the day that brings a new promise.

Hi,

I broke up with my girlfriend last week.We had been dating 2.5 years.We have been having problemns for over a year mainly because of me.I stayed in contact of mine in another country and met her on 2 occasions.We talked about getting back together,all behind my girlfriends back,shitty behaviour I know.
She found out,lost all trust in me and in the past 12 months assaulted me on 8-10 occasions.I also became very very verbally abusive in this time so I suppose there was a cycle.It started to affect my work so in a drunken rage I eventually broke up last week.It happened badly,she would not walk away.Nothing physical happened but eventually I got away in a car.
My heart is broken.We had love but it seemed to me we had just too many problems to make it work.

I’d been with my wife for 4 years and we got married on September 16.

Last month she left me. Apparently she had fallen out of love with me but didn’t know how to tell me or stop the wedding.

I’m not really sure how to stop hurting but going to the gym and keeping myself occupied has helped.

Never thought it was possible to be this down.

This is a quote that really enables you to look beyond the pain and see everything as part of a bigger plan. Stay strong!
“I beg you… to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. and the point is, to live everything. live the questions now. perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…”
(rainer maria rilke)

I have been in a relationship for 3.5 years. It was great at first and we broke up a few times he cheated on me and I cheated on him for spite. Kinda of a tit for tat thing.A year ago we split up for about two months.I was totally devistated I wanted to end it all.After counseling it was getting easier until I seen him out one night and he cried to me and promised he would respect me and how he would be the best boyfriend ever.We got back together and here we are a year later fightting constantly . He tells me that he feels we need some time apart. We agreed that we are to be faithful to each other. I feel like he is playing with my head.In the past I would cry and beg him to please take me back and he would give in and give our relationship another chance.Well I have not cried once to him or even called him. Its been a week and everyday almost since the break up he calls me for something. like for instance ,if he can use my address to get his new cell phone sent to my house because his cell phone had broke and it needed to be replaced.Then he calls me and asks me if I can come over to his apartment to talk. That was totally useless because it seemed to me that he is missing me and he just wanted to see me.The reason why I went over was because he said he wanted to talk.We didnt talk about nothing. But for the first time I got up and left after being there for 45 min. tops.I think by me answering the phone and by me going over to his house that night it reasured him that I am waiting on him. By him having contact with me it’s like he knows what I’m doing and where I’m at.He asks me why I havent called him? My answer was Im giving you what you want.Its like he doesnt want me but he doesnt want anyone else to have me.This shit hurts like hell. But I have learned from being devistated with the break up from him a year ago that I will not allow myself to get that way again.I will gaurentee you that after he goes through his weird episode of needing space that he will beg me back again.I feel sometimes he is bi-polar he definetly gets mood swings.From this point on Im not answering his phone calls or text messages.Im going to make him wonder and realize that he cant play with my feelings anymore. The crazy thing is that I’v been asked out by three guys in two days of this break.I dont want to get into that thats the last thing I need. I dont want to wait around for him either with his answer of when he feels we should get back again. I feel he is playing head games with me.If anyone has any suggestions on what I should do please respond. I will take any advise at this point.

It’s really heartening to read things people have said here. I echo others’ comments when I say that it’s so easy to slip into feeling as though I’m the only person in the world in this much pain right now…

My relationship was 2.5 years with a guy I wanted to be with for the rest of my life and who repeatedly told me the same thing; he alluded to a ring, he told me about conversations with other in which he’d referred to me as “the one.” During our time together, we broke up frequently, over instances in which he would display selfish and inconsiderate behavior (deciding to go with another friend to an even after having asked me, and variations of this; my discovery of his fairly frequent use of internet porn; his video game habit that occupies literally 5-6 hours of his day, every day).

But he would always come up with some combination of words and tears and I would decide that I’d overreacted or otherwise made the situation worse than it was so we would get back together. On many occasions, this was even after he’d verbally abuse me “you b-tch” “you cry to manipulate me” “my friends were right about you” “you’re out f-cking someone else, you could have told me” and on and on, until I confronted him very clearly about it and he went into counseling. I never asked about the counseling, though, I never brought up conversations about it because I didn’t want to start other episodes of crappy behavior.

And despite all of this and more, I wanted to be with him so badly. I wanted it to work, I wanted to help him with anything I could. I wanted him to seem to love me as much as he said he did. Even during our final conversation in which I said I was completely done (and actually felt that I meant it, for once) he asked me if I knew he loved me.

We haven’t spoken in a week, and I know it’s early. But this is so incredibly painful, and I’ve stopped myself so many times from contacting him. This is the first time he hasn’t contacted me at all, so he probably dealing well with this…it may sound terrible, but I wish I knew he hurt as much as I do, but maybe he doesn’t.

I love what people have said about trusting, and if it’s supposed to be, it will. Does anyone believe in trying again after some time away to think and recoup? Would I be fooling myself to say to him that we could consider a fresh start, a real “get to know each other” attempt in a few months, letting him know I’m thinking of that? Or is that weak and fooling myself?

Thank you for being here, everyone, and for sharing.

I just stumbled across this as I was investigating another topic. What becomes of the broken-hearted? Wow. I suddenly don’t feel so alone or such a freak as my recent ex and former abusive exes made me out to be. Now a 49 year old female who has done everything possible to ensure I never hook up with an abusive man again, searched my soul to try and understand WHY they hone in on me, to no avail, recovering from the latest relationship that really put the final boots to me…lo, and behold, judging from this site we are dealing with an epidemic! I can relate to everyone who’s commented here, except, perhaps the fellow who called his ex a”bitch slut”. I try to hold my head up, but this time I’m tired of pretending for friends’ sakes. I decided to wallow in my PJs and wait for some inspiration from God, Who gets me through each day. I’ve seen so many women abused, it is extremely difficult for me not to give up on men altogether, yet I CAN’T because I have 2 wonderful grown sons who know how to treat their ladies well and to maintain solid relationships. I have had 2 great loving relationships with men in my lifetime. I prefer to stick with these memories. For now, I tried to take a dance class at the gym, and would LOVE a girl’s night out, yet I just discovered I have a severe abnormality in my heart which may require surgery, at best, so that’s out for awhile. Will I survive? I don’t know. I can’t help wonder if I’d had a loving husband who treated me well if I’d be in good health and thriving now. However, if I have one bit of wisdom to impart, even though I may sound bitter, I’ve got over worse things by forgiving the person who hurt me, which, however difficult, must be done. I hope someone took the time to read this. And I pray to God that there are more truly good men out there than it seems or the planet is doomed! My aching heart goes out to you all. Christine

I was in a bad relationship with a man who was emotionally abusive. I actually cried when he left me…imagine that. That’s how brainwashed I was. I BEGGED him to take me back. Nobody could figure out what I saw in him. “There must be another side to him, that only you see”…. this is what everyone would say to me. This is because he treated everyone else the same way he treated me, with absolutely no respect, but I was too “in love” to see it. He was amazing when we were alone, and when he wanted to be, when it suited him to be……. But I woke up one day, after a month and a half, and realized that he had done me the biggest favour. He had set me free……And I moved forward and never looked back. I learned a valuable lesson about respecting myself, and that was what I was meant to take away from that relationship….

i was browsing through the web ridiculously looking for a website that would tell me how to move past all this pain that i have been feeling for a week and having read all the comments above, i think i have found some renewed strength.

i had a boyfriend for 5 years, 3 of which we lived together. i was only 18 when we started dating and he was the first and only love i had ever known. however, we both come from pretty crushing backgrounds…my father was an alcoholic and abusive man and my mother walked out on us when i was 12. his mother took her own life when he was 12 because his father had found another woman.

when we first started dating, we went through what everyone called the “Honeymoon Phase”. he was always there for me day and night, going through with me all the grieve that i still held on from my childhood. we were so close that i remember telling everyone (despite just being 18) that he was the one. 2 years down the road, i had made a mistake and we broke up for about a month.

Things just went downhill from there. we got back together but he was never the same. to try and salvage what we had, we decided to move in together but it was always tit for tat. we would constantly fight and he would get cold, even if i was right in front of him crying. gone was the man that used to feel broken at the sight of my tears.

1 week ago, he decided that i was not the one for him, that he may be falling out of love with me. he wanted to move out and have his own space and that this thought had been running through his head for some time now. imagine the slap to the face! didn’t i deserve at lease a chance to be set down and told all of this instead of one morning waking up to a “i just don’t love you no more”. in the beginning, i put up a brave front. i was cold the same way he was cold towards me. i refused his calls. but when the reality of the situation hit me, i felt crushed. here was a man that i had grown to love for so long, giving up half of myself for him, changing and adapting to him that now i felt empty within. so i did the one thing everyone told me not to…i called and begged for another chance.

sure enough, i got crushed. he said that i was pushing too hard…that i didn’t want to give him the time and space he needed. that maybe he didn’t love me anymore and he could find a replacement if he wanted to. i felt like i had died from those words…that this really was it, THE END.

deep in my heart…i believe that one day he will regret leaving me just because i have flaws. and while a huge part of me still pines over that…after reading all of the posts above, i feel that maybe it’s time to concentrate on me. concentrate on the beauty of me, myself and i. i have to remember what it’s like to have been on my own…and while that realization may not conveniently hit me now, the grieve of what i’m going through now will help keep me safe in the future.

it takes a lot to let go of something we hold so dear…it really does feel like experiencing death. even worse when you know that the other person is not feeling the same pain as you’d like to imagine that person should. and while i’ve still not gotten over the breakup, i know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel…there always is.

when all this time we put our faith in another person, now have faith in ourselves. indulge in the people that really care about you, and if you’re someone like me who lost all her friends because my ex-boyfriend was anti-social or disapproved of them, now is the time to either rekindle lost friendship or make new friends. surround yourself with activities and never let yourself be alone with your thoughts.

just like i how i’m feeling now, you too will feel like there is no point in life…that your lungs are suffocating you to death, that the tears are so hot and painful you just want to die. and in reality, there really is nothing anyone can say to you to feel otherwise. only you can tell yourself that life will be alright, that there really is someone out there who will love me for me, who will accept who i am and what i want out of live. and we have to believe that the patience will pay off.

even as i write this, i still wish that he would call and tell me that we can give it another shot. maybe he won’t, maybe he will…but for now, i have to love me and so should all of you. it will be the most amazing feeling in the whole wide world.

love, marguerita

I just finally got the courage to leave a man whom for the past two years has had little mercy on me. I was only 17 years old when i first met him, i left my family and moved into his house when i graduated from high school now here i am alone without him. he is 10 years older then me which i can see where there was a problem, but i had to grow up fast so i have always been very mature. This is so hard for me, because i was emotional, physically, VERBALLY, abused. What i have considered to be love for the past two years has only been nothing but sorrow, lieing, cheating, and pain both physicall and emotional. this is all i know. between the two years we have been on and off and i turned to other men hoping it would help me get over him but somehow i always found myself goign back to him. it was so horrible, the feelings of having to walk on eggsshells so that if i say the wrong thing i wont be accused of beign stupid or and idiot. the whole relationship was only good for a couple months then it was shattered. i have seen a part of me come out that i never knew exsisted always on the defense, trying to protect myself, yelling and scremeing and even fighting with him physically. getting pushed aorund hit ext. as time went by i started to see that no matter what i did to make things better that he still treated me the same. he only wanted me when i was about to leave, then when i was back under his wing i was underappreciatted, as if i was nothing but the ground he walked all over. i feel like all this has happend because i was not able to break away, because the emotional distress has made me depend on him. he made me feel like without him i am nothing, no one, and i would never get anyone who would treat me right. he used to do little things that would side track me to think that he changed and i turn my back to find out the same things occured over and over. I am stubborn, everyone told me, but it didnt matter i still dealt with everything and stayeed around like a fool. for some reason everytime i tried to move on somethign kept turning me back, and i did i went. but recently in the past couple months i had an epifphany. I just had enough i am almost 20 and i have a great full time job, just bought a brand new car all by myself , and i go to college full time and i graduate next year. i am doing all these things for myself; by myself without him. he has guided me a little but for everything good there is a trade off (in this case) when they say you take the good with the bad you arent kidding he helped me come out of a broken home where i never saw love, nor did i even know love with him. other than gettign me back on my feet financially i always found myself knocked down emotionally. he made me so insecure, he made me beg for his love then when he gave it turned around and changed his mind. to him it was all a game. he told me things just to keep me still wanting him and then would tell me he didnt want a committment nothing then when i leave he would call me and i would answer because i couldnt resist. i then tried to move on. i met someone who treated me like gold in all areas but i didnt know h ow to accept this, after all how can you love and give your WHOLE heart if it was never whole from the start. I tried my best to accept the good and tell myself i deserve it but i didnt’ i left that guy and eended up breaking his heart because i told him i was not over my ex. that guy could have been the one but i didnt let him in because i put up all these walls, all i know is the bad things. well anyway now i am alone and its hard it has only been one day that i havent talked to him but i am trying hard this time i am not giving in. someone once told me “Don’t cry for someone who wouldn’t cry for you.” its true. if i t hink about it now he is probably going about his day thinking only of himself, (because he is selfish when it comes to his life) he probalby is calling me names when he thinks of me, but o well i know i am better i know that i can survive. it will be hard because its so weird you would think because of all the heartach and pain that you would easily move on but no way, its almost like with out the drama i wasnt happy. but not anymore i expect nothing but respect and all the good things in life. everyone deserves to be treated witrh respect and love, and i just dont see this things in him. i had enough im sick and tired of being thrown around liek a rag doll, and goign back and forth. i am setting new goals and making sur e they are fulfilled by myself. i do not need a man to define me nor live my life and control me. but if i run into a man who knows how to treat me with the good things i require then i am ready. i know its goign to be hard to forget him. “bruises fade but pain remains the same” meaning that even tho i think i can patch things up with him and make things better the pain will always remain and he will never change, he is a grown man and at this point in his life he isnt giving anything up, nor is he showing any effort to do so, so why should i give my all for someone who wont give me anythign at all. thats it im putting my foot down and moving on forget him its goign to be hard, i will cry and feel empty but its better then continuing emptiness forever. he is a lost cause and a waste of my time . i will not let him break me. i have been through many rough times in my life and i have gotten through them so i will not let him be the one to stop me from growing and moving on. all i can do is take this as a learnign expierience and becoem stronger.i also believe that god never gives you anything you can’t handle. and if something is meant to be it will come back, the right way. although i have a lot of self wounds, i will just allievate them and become whole for once. they say what ever doesnt kill you make you stronger and i beleive it. so for everyone who thinks that they wont get over it, or when they see something that reminds them of the ex just remember the pain before. i believe if i stand my ground he will never break me again. its time to start off on a new slat and forget the bad. time to change the bad memories with new good ones. no more pain no more games. life is too short to be sad all the time, and especailly when you have the CHOICE, because everyone does. i have seen mmy mother recover from her marriage with my father . she was abused too for 17 years and now she is marrried one last time to a man who treats her like godl and respect her. it is possible people will rise and defeat the past.

It’s interesting to see what we all feel related to so many different conditions we’ve lived through. Love makes us so happy and so vulnerable to such devastating grief when we lose what we hold so very dear. I read hurting for a week, and I think “honey, try years of having someone ripped out of your soul by the roots…” but we do learn to live with grief and loss, and absolutely should. It helps us to value what we do hold dear and to notice so many of the beautiful things we might otherwise take for granted. How? WALK STRAIGHT INTO THE PAIN. Accept it. It will hurt and hurt, but you will find such strength in yourself. Can friends stop it? No. And they shouldn’t try. Can they stand beside you and remind you that others love you? Absolutely. From the ashes we arise again, and again. Love and love again. WHen people say a man or woman is “no good” I disagree. What we chose in love is what we need to chose at somepoint. We need to explore the hunger we feel about who someone is and what they have, inspite of the “negative” characteristics that person has. Should we purposely put ourselves in danger? No, I don’t mean that. What I mean is that it is easy to stand on the outside of someone else and judge their choices of partners, but how can we really when we are not that person? Be kind to your brothers and sisters, help them to accept their loss, grief and to heal and find life again. peace.

There is so much I could write here. I am still struggling with the break-up of my first relationship four months ago. It was on-again-off-again for months before that, and was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, and also included some physical and sexual abuse. All of this has been compounded by the fact that I am a lesbian and was outed to my conservative Christian parents while I was still dealing with my own sexuality issues. They continue to threaten to not pay for my school, and any attempt for me to become financially independent only increases the abuse. Even though I am not talking to my ex, I still feel the hold that our relationship had on me, because we are in the same organizations and have the same friennds so I still see her on occasion. I am having a very hard time dealing with this, and sometimes I feel no one understands. My friends either want me to “get over it” or accuse me of being self-centered. Sometimes I feel there is no one I can talk to. Knowing I am not alone has helped so much.

Thank you.

Dana

I moved in with my boyfriend of 5 years and March - we broke up in May. Shortly after I moved in he started going out boozing more and then stopped coming home. Two weeks after I moved out and finally talked to him he told me he cheated on me. He started drinking even more. He would call me when he wanted to get away from her. She has even called my house in the middle of the night from his cell phone looking for him. When he was sober he told me he thinks of me every minute of the day and that he loves me more then anything. Then why after almost a year is he still with her? I know she was previously married to a drunk so she is used to his ways. As far as she is concerned she has a normal relationship. I told him no more calls - from either of them. Well, I had to call him yesterday re: car ins issues I’m trying to clear up and he told me he thinks of “us” every day. I can’t do the up and down crap anymore. He has given me so many false hopes it’s killing me but yet I can’t move on. He was married before. His Ex told me I was the best thing that ever happened to him. She believes he’s commitment phobic and the new chick doesn’t really need commitent from him. I can’t help but think why is he still with her? He called me last week shit faced - I knew I shouldn’t have answered the phone but I did. He asked what he needs to do to fix things. He said “You are the one I love, You are the one I want to be with”. Then why isn’t he? I know I need to get over him - starting with no more phone calls. I started seeing a counselor but I got so tired of talking about it. This is the longest break up ever…

This is exactly the kind of thing I was looking for - a place where I could share my feelings with people who’ve shared similar experiences and who wouldn’t judge me. I can relate to so many of you and applaud everyone who has written. I think it takes courage to speak about some of the things I have read here.

I, myself still have feelings for an ex-boyfriend. We dated for 6 years and things were pretty good. We were young when we met, only 17 and 18, and when he broke up with me I was completely devastated. I wondered what was wrong with me, what did I do wrong? What did he need that I was not giving him? I even asked him all of these questions. His reason for the breakup was that he “just didn’t see it going anywhere.” We had talked about getting married, he even asked my ring size, but only a month after my college graduation he broke up with me. I think he was scared that now I wanted our relationship to move forward, to live together (which we never did), and he wasn’t ready. I also think he never thought he was good enough for me, even though I would tell him how I loved him more than anything in the world. He had dropped out of high school and never went to college, but I never looked down on him for that. I thought he was an amazing person who was working for what he wanted. School is not for everyone. He had broken up with me once before, right around the 2.5 year mark, (which seems to be a normal one as I see many relationships end at that point) and said he felt as if he was holding me back. We got back together after only a week and I thought that this last time would be no different.

He didn’t want us to see other people, but didn’t want us to be a “couple.” I played the role of friend-with-benefits for over a year. I tried to date other people in that time, but every time he called, I went running, or I dated people that made me run back to him becaue they didn’t treat me right or measure up to him. Every time we slept together I’d cry because I was overome with emotion, and then he’d feel bad as well. I pleaded with him to give us another try, let’s date eachother as well as other people and see how it goes. He didn’t want to. I eventually told him I could not do that any longer. I tried to wean myself from him, but never could cut off contact completely.

It has been three years since we broke up and over 1.5 since we last slept together. I am currently in a serious relationship and have been for 1.5 with a man I love very deeply. My current relationship is immensely better than my past one. We share everything and all of my needs are being met. My current boyfriend is amazing and I want to marry him. When I met him I knew he was different and that I could not risk getting to know him by letting my ex manipulate me into continuing on the way we had been.

So why do I still think abou tmy ex?I saw my ex today for the first time in 6 months. I met his new girlfriend and have been emotional all day since. I have never seen him with another woman and all the feelings for him that I thought I had under control have come back. I know his faults and the faults of the relationship we had, but I still can’t stop thinking about him. I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize my current relationship, but I can’t help feeling sad about the past one. I wonder about his feelings for his new girlfriend, does he love her more than he loved me, does he still think of me, will we ever have another chance? The most horrible thought that has run through my head is that if things don’t work out with my current boyfriend, I’d try to get my ex back. He has been calling me 1-2 times a month since I started dating my current boyfriend, always asking if I was still dating him. One of the last times I informed him that I will be moving in with my boyfriend soon and that if he wants to be my friend he needs to meet him since I will not lie about spending time with him. Bad idea, I know, but at the time it sounded good.

Is it just because I never saw him with another woman that these feelings are coming out? I always knew I was never really over him and honestly don’t really ever expect to be completely, but we have so much history, and our relationship was not BAD, we were just not fulfilling eachother’s needs at the time. Is it wrong of me to wonder how things would be had circumstances been different? Or to wonder if we’ll ever have another chance? I truly love the person I am with and do not want to screw up what we have. What should i do? Will these feelings go away?

Something I read online which I thought was extremely helpful.

going back to bad boyfriends
How many times have we seen this happen? A woman who has been in a terrible relationship finally finds the courage to break free, only to unceremoniously go back to her terrible boyfriend or husband months later.

This puzzles me to the same extent that the creation of the universe does. In most cases, the guy is genuinely rotten. Among his faults: he didn’t love her, treated her like a slave, didn’t appreciate her, or may have even slapped her a couple of times. But to some women, all is forgiven once the six-month restraining order expires.

Why is it that when we are in a relationship, women always accuse us of being unable to change, yet they assume a couple of months apart without the constant nagging will somehow miraculously transform us into the male incarnation of Mother Teresa?

Most women need to wake up. Men don’t change, they just become bitter and vengeful. Do women think we cheated on them before? Guess what? Now that we know they’ll take us back after we screw up, they should get ready for a steady dose of heartache.

I feel no remorse for women who return to terrible relationships. If they aren’t smart enough to realize what they’re doing, why should we care? I don’t know, but we still do. That’s why I feel compelled to repeat myself. For all the ladies out there reading this, remember: if you left him once , there was a valid reason for it.

It has been over a year since he just stopped calling one day….everyday feels like that day. I cannot come to terms with how I loved him like know other…this man who used me for convenient sex and then disposed of me like a piece of trash…everything that felt like true love to me was nothing for him…I hate him and still I love him…a year ago I feared the future without him…I was right to fear it; it is as bleak as I suspected; he was my Heaven…where does that leave me now. It’s all just madness now.

I found this website after a long night of lonely searching the web… I stumbled into the right corner this time.

He is all I ever known. We met when we were young and there was a bond between us. After three years and two break ups he is gone again. I ffound out afterwards that he was cheating… ouch. Even after the endless hours he would chase me aoround calling me a cheater, emotional cheater, physical cheater.

He is gone with a goodbye that made it seem like he was going out for groceries, fianicial stiffying me, and emotional sending me into a twister of ups and downs.

Now two weeks later the phone calls have started and his clotehs are still in the drawers. I can’t bring myself to throw them out rotten relationship and all. Love is a confusing thing.

So here i am tryhing to get over a bad relationship and really not knowing how and the ‘fear’ that is binding me is almost choking at times.

The temptation to call and scream is so strong I am set up a 100 sit ups then thinkagain. It’s been working.

Yipes I want this feeling gone…

A divorce and two non-marriage break ups in 12 months. I guess I have something to say here.

What can friends do? Recognize what you can’t do. The friend surviving the break up has to find their bearings again. It’s a personal process, and it’s distinct with respect to each break up. Listen non-judgmentally and affirm the positive qualities of your friend. Let them know you believe they will make it and that life again will feel good.

What to avoid … “I knew this was coming.” “He (or she) is no good.” Trading drama - at some point, things need to settle down for healing to occur.

i am so happy to have found and had the time to read this thread. i am a 3rd year law student who has been trying to leave my emotionally abusive boyfriend for almost a year now. what nobody understands is that the good times were the best and the bad the lowest. i banked everything i had on this man and planned to move to his world to take the bar exam in a few months. our problems mainly stem from his insecurities about my past with other, high-profile, men. but i never cheated on him and i let him say both quietly and in anger, the worst things to me and how he was ashamed of me, embarraessed of my past, that my past with men ruined his life-long love of music.
and then, in the same day, he would turn around and tell me that i was the most beautiful and important thing in his life and he’d always love me and never leave me. then he would call crying and demand that if he died, i should never be with another man, never find love, etc.
this situation has been compounded by the fact that i lent him some money i deserately needed repaid. i put everything into this relationship but when i get down and cry myself to sleep i think about all the ruined holidays with him the nights i spent in tears, the broken bone, the worrying, the endless insults and hundreds of calls in the middle of the night and i wonder if crying myeslf to sleep is really all that bad
i’ve decided to break free and take the the chance that i’ll find somebody who loves me as i am and isn’t threatened by who i once was. the lonliness is palpable and sometimes i think i can’t go on in a new town and with another move impending. but i’ve reached out to people and i’ve come this far and there’s no stopping now! i see people in healthy relationships and i’m so envious. but if you can’t be happy alone, how can you ever be happy with somebody else?
i try to curb the urge to check my phone to see if he called 100 times a day and i’m thinking of changing my number and e-mail soon because it’s driving me nuts. good luck to all!
as my mom used to always say, “this too shall pass”. and i t will!

As so many people have said here, I too have been unable to understand why ON EARTH I have so much trouble getting over someone who was so emotionally cruel to me, and would never think twice about kicking me when I was down. And then I think if I’m having so much trouble, maybe it really wasn’t that bad and the problem really was me (as he always kept telling me it was). And it is hard to find people to talk to about it because no one understands how I can be thinking anything other than “good riddance.” It is so easy for me to blame myself for everything that went wrong. Even his bad behavior I think, “well, he only did it because I did X.” We do not communicate at all any more & I just keep wondering what he thinks, now seven months later. Do I not really cross his mind and is he really relieved our relationship is over, because he really believed all the things he said about me at the end? It irritates me so much to know that someone else is going to be as smitten by his initial charm and charisma as I was — someone else will fall for it. And I guess my real fear is that it will work for him with the next person, which will be a sign that I really was the problem. Or at least that’s how it feels. I guess it helps to know I’m not the only one who isn’t feeling like a liberated and free spirit after getting out of a bad relationship. I feel wounded and obsessed and paranoid and disliked and like a fool. I doubt myself and my perceptions of the past. And for some reason, I value this one person’s bad opinion of me over the opinions of others who think better of me. Why? I don’t know. Can it be as simple as me thinking that he is better than me because he’s so unaffected by things and comes from a rich family, while I feel like I’m falling apart and come from so little? How can it be so much easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves?

I totally sympathise with you, L. I’m currently beating myself up for getting into an abusive relationship after 12 years of being free of such relationships. I finished with him last week.

I had a similar experience to yours with someone of higher ’social standing’ than myself, who was nice one second, and nasty the next. I now understand he has a personality disorder.

The reason that I stuck with him, was because I live in a deprived area so don’t meet many people like him. He was intelligent and interesting. I am intellingent and was glad to meet someone I could have a proper conversation with.

I found myself thinking ‘if only he wasn’t x, y and z, then he’d be perfect’. As if these traits were a tumour from his personality that I could excise. But x, y and z were fundamental parts of his character.

No matter how rich, charming or attentive someone is, if they also abuse you then THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT. They are not worth YOU. No matter what your social standing, no-one is better than you.

If you start doubting yourself and thinking, maybe the bad things they said about me were true, just ask yourself: do all other people say this about you? I think you will find the answer is NO. Therefore it is HIM not you. Don’t believe what these abusers say.

I think it is more likely you will find out that he treated previous women this way. And if he does end up with someone, more fool her. Just thank God it’s not you. Abusers don’t change.

I am annoyed with myself for letting him get to me . I’m annoyed becuse a tiny part of me must have doubted myself and BELIEVED the nasty things he said about me. Thankfully we only lasted 4 months. I have changed my number and blocked his emails. ( I believe it is essential to do this).

Good luck on your journey L. Remember it’s for a reason. x

[Editor’s Note: Comment deleted — user reproduced this article, which you check out by clicking on the link]

Its me again. I never bought the book in the above posting. But whatever is written in that, was very helpful for me.

I came out of an abusive husband with a 11month old baby. Its been 2.5yrs now. I lived and survived with the baby with no help so far.

My ex did not contact me for 5months, once his parents gone back to their country, he started coming to my apartment and having an instant family, whenever he is free, not when we needed him.

I thought that if he sees me settle down in life well without his help, he would automatically come back to me. In our culture, marriage is a one time thing.

So I forgave him and never talked about my feelings. we spent weekends together. But oneday after getting his US citizenship, he sent me a divorce notice. I was shocked. After some rough times, again he had to come to my apartment bec of baby’s health and again we slept together and spent weekends together.

So I proposed to him oneday that I would share everything in half and I dont want any child support, if we live together. He said he did not know. Same old answer, he always gives. I said I cannot live in this any more, things have to be clear, 1.we are getting divorce and live each other’s life separately 2.living together and I share everything (which would be a boon for him). But to my surprise, he called me back after 2 days and said he was finalizing the divorce.

By this time, I did all that I could and I thought ok, if this is what God planned, let be it. I got divorced and he started paying child support. It was not easy though. He wrote so many nasty emails.

My confidence was, he would not get a better woman than me. He has to come back to me, he had a dark past, he had done all the mistakes. I always forgave and moved on.

But recently (6weeks back)I came to know (through my 3.5yr old son )that ex is sleeping with another women. Thats the moment of my realizatiion that my ex was doing everything for a reason. He knows what he is doing. Now the reality hit me that everything was planned.

He did not let me come to his apartment even once in the last two and half years though he was coming to my apartment all the time. Now I know why. May he is sleeping with other women all the time.

Anyway, for 3 weeks, I suffered like hell, I cannot sleep, no hunger and my chest kept hurting me. But I recovered after I read the above article.

I tried to go to a therapist, but did not feel that it is helping me in anyway. Because its already two and half years and I came so far and made so much progress.

I have a great job, a precious son and a great supporting family. Of course, the void of a lack of partner, will always be there.

My ex is my first and last man in my life. May be I will get someone or I dont, I left everything to God. If HE wills it, it will happen. I decided to keep my heart open.

I enrolled my son and myself in swimming classes and I feel excited to learn a new skill. Life feels very good and interesting.

Everything will be fine and will fall in place. Always remember that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A VALID REASON AND HAPPENS FOR OUR BEST. There are no accidents in the Universe, everything is planned by the Universal source.

We have two choices, 1.suffer like hell and spoil everything you have (health, career, kids) 2.Accept it, and always do what you are supposed to do– this will be enough to move on, keep on eating, sleeping, going to work, going to gym. YOU WILL BE FINE.

Happiness is within us. Once you discover that, you no longer depend on a partner or a relationship to be happy. We are born to be happy, stop and control your mind from having constant chatting.

I find reading Wayne Dyer (Power of Intention, Manifestation Meditation, Limitless person)was very helpful. Well I bought audio versions, which I kept on listening in my car and at my home, if need be at work too. Even if you can get a little bit help and courage from them, that will be enough to move on. And suddenly you find yourself so happy and content and peaceful.

I wrote from my experience, I waited for two and half years for things to change. I am not waiting any more. I am going to enjoy life as it is in the moment. If I can do it, any body can.

PLEASE DO MEDIDATION ONCE A DAY. No amount of family support or talking to friends, can substitute that.

I left my second husband within the first 12 months of marriage. I knew he was jealous early on into the relationship. We were together for 3 happy years before we got married and I thought that by marrying him I was proving my love and this would convince him I didn’t want anyone else. Big mistake! I never gave him any reason not to trust me. These were issues he brought into our relationship from his past.

So briefly, this is my story. The arguments started a few months before the wedding and I put it down to stress and pre wedding nerves on both sides. Once married, the jealousy intensified. It soon became obvious that the man I loved and married was not the same person I’d courted. He became moody and an emotionally and verbally abusive control freak and I was constantly walking on eggshells. His behaviour, along with the blaming, name calling and mind games was appalling and my health suffered as a result! He also started drinking which didn’t help matters and he was in total denial. My best friend who works in mental health noticed what was going on and the effect it was having on me as a person. He was breaking my spirit and I’m usually quite a strong character, happy and confident! I thought I was going crazy and started to believe that everything that went wrong was my fault just like he said it was. My self esteem hit an all time low. At one point I asked him to come with me for counselling but he wouldn’t, so I went alone but I didn’t tell him.

Eventually, after a scary incident too many I found the courage to leave him. This was my turning point. My gut instincts told me “girl, you need to get out!”

I moved back to my home town and got a divorce. I rented a place for 10 months, before buying a house.

My advice for anyone stuck in a bad relationship is get out, stay out and above all cut all contact with the other person which is what I did. Learn to trust your gut instincts and take notice of any “red flags” you may see. It truly is the only way. It’s not easy but it’s worth the effort! Don’t jump out of the frying pan and into the fire by starting a new relationship straight away. Give yourself some space and time and “get back to base”. If you don’t you could screw up someone else’s life simply because you’re not ready!

He doesn’t know my address, I’m ex directory so he can’t ring my landline and the calls to my mobile at various hours of the night, from a withheld number, which hang up when I answer, are now very few and far between. I haven’t seen or spoken to him for 14 months now and life gets better every day! Time is a great healer. It helps tremendously living in another town from him ‘cos I’m not constantly looking over my shoulder. My family and friends have been great and I couldn’t have got through this without them. The bottom line is why waste your time and energy on someone who doesn’t love or respect you? Jealousy isn’t love! You need to have respect for yourself and trust is a must. If you don’t, then you’ll probably find that others have no respect for you either. We are all deserving of a good, lasting, healthy relationship. Why settle for anything less?

Good luck to you all.

Back again. I agree with Ind about meditating. The only time I feel completely free from my loss is when I am meditating at my Yoga class. If you can’t go to a class you should buy a video or go to a retreat. Not only do you feel good while you are meditating but it puts things into perspective later- atleast for a little while. I guess it makes you forget about everything for a little while…being a monk must be a pretty good life. Sometimes I think the only way I will be happy again is if I become a monk and meditate all the time….because when I’m not meditating I’m holding onto the pain. The pain is like an apendage…I try to get rid of it but it won’t go away except when I meditate. But later on I feel it again- I scream, cry, write, draw, exercise, read…still the grief replenishes itself…I try to expel it and more grows back in it’s place. He is a really bad alcoholic…..the worst I’ve ever seen. I took a leap of faith towards him and he let me fall into an abyss. I’m not an alcoholic….so I’ll never understand. I blame his alcoholic parents. It is one of the most insideous addictions around. I would have given my life for him….and I was just his recepticle. I haven’t figured out my lesson. I haven’t seen the reason for it all. I’ll never date another alcoholic. I want to hate him but thats just not my style. This sucks. They say you have to learn to cope with your loss. If you are a mean alcoholic loser you should stay with your own kind because then you can just be unhappy alcoholic losers together instead of ruining good peopls lives who just want to help and love you. All you alcoholics who mess up good peoples lives SUCK! You should go get some help. What ever you do you should stay away from nonalcoholics because all you do is mess things up. It’s your choice to be an alcoholic loser, just try to keep your crap life to yourself. The more you let your crap life spill over the more lives you ruin…and for the love of God PLEASE DON’T HAVE CHILDREN . All we need in this world is more messed up kids from children of addicts. Children deserve better than a drunk for a parent. Life is a miracle from the Creator…drink it away if you want but stay the hell a way from people who are trying to live positively, and don’t have kids or animals or plants that you can’t love properly. If you can’t handle yourself do it alone or get help…stop destroying other peoples lives.

L, Jane and others,

Thank you for sharing these difficult emotions and experiences. It is helpful to know that others coming from abusive relationships share the paradoxical experience of knowing, “He was abusive. He’s done a number on my head. Good riddance,” but feeling heart-broken and sad just the same. The worst thing is falling into the trap he wanted you to fall into, the one that has you believing, “He was right after all. There’s something wrong with me. It’s all my fault.”

I never in a million years thought I would get into an abusive relationship and stay with someone who downright frightened me, but I did for nearly two years. I am 37 and have had a few serious relationships but have never been married. It’s something I finally felt ready for and when I met him, I was sure he was the one I’d been waiting for. He swept me into a definitive whirlwind romance. He’s wildly charming and quite generous, so everybody loves him. So did I.

Problem is, charming, brilliant Dr. Jeckyl turned into Mr. Hyde. He lied, called me names, threw my deepest fears and secrets back in my face, screamed at me, alienated my friends, and finally became a physical threat. He begged forgiveness and said he accepted responsibility for what he called his “bad behavior.” But through it all, he insisted it was all my doing; he wouldn’t act this way if I would just love him more.

I had warning signs I rationalized away. Like, he’d had three failed marriages. (I know! I know!) A falling-out with his sister involved physical violence and the police. He hadn’t spoken to his mother in four years. He lost his fat corporate job because of a “discrepency” on his resume. In all these situations one thing was the same, it was all their fault.

Does this knowledge mean I now call a spade a spade and recognize this mess was not my fault? No.

When it finally ended about two months ago, it was such a relief not to be screamed at all the time that I thought I’d moved on. I passed all the tests, I did not contact him when he left flowers at my door or sent e-mails. I hadn’t loved him for some time and didn’t want him back.

Then, about a week ago, I heard he is seeing someone new the same time I learned a close friend has just two months to live. Whatever the trigger, I am right back in a depression that characterized the end of this relationship. I can’t sleep, I have anxiety attacks, I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I feel stupid, worthless, unwanted, crazy, and paranoid. I don’t want to leave the house and go out in town because I feel like he and this perfect new lover of his are around every corner.

Everyone is telling me, “Good! Now he’s someone else’s problem.” They don’t understand why I am upset. Neither do I.

It can’t be just ego, but ego got to me two nights ago, in my beyond-stupid move to drink and dial. I wanted to get peace of mind , but — of course! — all I got was more material for self abuse. He says, “You couldn’t be happy with me because you weren’t happy with yourself.” Do I think of the happy life I had before him? Do I think about his all-night, crazed phone calling? Do I think about the fist he put through my closet door instead of my face? No. I think about how I caused all this behavior because I don’t love myself.

Well, tomorrow I’m going to a therapist to find out about that. In one way, this makes me feel like he is right, I am mentally ill and that’s why this relationship didn’t work. But I think that’s just more of his head-trip bullshit. Being in relationships like this one hurt you in ways you can’t heal all by yourself. If he had broken my arm, I would have gone to a doctor. That’s what I have to do for my heart.

Like one post here recommended, walk straight into the pain. But do it with some proper tools.
And pay attention to these stories. DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX! Unless you need a kidney and he’s the only match, just don’t do it.

I pretty much woke up from a nightmare at the beginning of May this year that lasted just shy of 2 years but it had definetly felt longer. You feel like you wasted those 2 years. He did everything shitty to me short of beating me up although he came dangerously close quite a few times. He lied to me in the beginning when he told me he didn’t do drugs. When in fact he had a very big drug problem. By the time his true colors started showing I had already fallen in love and cared very deeply. When standing outside of a situation like this (outside the box) like your friends you know your being stupid, you know that you can’t save someone that doesen’t want saved, and you know that he’s just gonna bring you down. However, when you throw love and careing into it you don’t wanna leave. You’d feel guilty because then you’d feel like you were letting someone down when they need you the most even though this is someone that’s treats you so shitty and constantly lifts you up in short moments making you think everyting is gonna be alright then knocking you right back into the ground. But, you wanna have faith in people. You’re are willing to make sarcrifices, you’re willing to get treated like shit, stolen from, talked to liked a dog, alienated, cheated on, you’re willing enough to have had such a great life before when everything was in control, your finances, your friends, your time, your life in general, you’re willing to let him bring you down and fuck all of that up just because you see the good in that person, because you think that maybe he will realize that the cocaine, crack, the pills, the wealing and dealing is just all a bunch of bullshit. Isn’t denial just a wonderful thing? Isn’t not knowing how to let go of someone so great? And when it all ends in the most shittiest of ways it’s like being hit in the head with a brick that reads “you aren’t in denial anymore now are yah?!” Now you feel weak, every crappy emotion you could possibly have you expierence all at once. You’re pissed at yourself for letting yourself be around so many cold ass messed up people. Your mad because you let this person screw up your head, your finances, your friendships, your time, your heart and soul for so damn long. Because before him you were actually happy you had a head on your shoulders, you were strong, you had set goals and had a go getting attitude, you were single, independent, etc. And in those years it was almost as if you threw it away for nothing. So not only are you getting over him, you are forgiving yourself for letting yourself go to shit, your trying not to have evil thoughts of Karma kicking him in the ass cause you don’t want to be a cold person, your getting over it. And the pain sucks so much that you would rather of literally been stabbed in the back and in the heart then figuratively.

Guess what though. As much as you want to regret it, as much as you want to feel shitty about the whole damn thing. It’s a learning experiernce, it felt like boot camp for me, and in a wierd sense I almost thank him he did me a favor by really screwing me over when he ended on his recent crack binge. You wanna know why? This makes me want to be an even better person then ever before, this makes me want to hit the ground running and really get what I want out of life then ever before. It almost feels like when I’m really over it all I’m gonna feel freaking indestructible, invincible, like a mental and emotional soldier. It’s like I’m re-entering the world. And in the beginning it really sucked you try to figure out why this happend to you, why he cheated on you with drug addict bitches, why he stole from you, why he ran off with your vehicle on drug binges and sold your shit, are you ugly? Are you annoying? what’s wrong with you? Why wouldn’t he change for you? but it’s cool because each day does feel better. And I realize that I’m just being retarded because first of all he needs to change for himself and if he doesen’t think that himself is worth changing for no one will be worth it. There is not a god damn thing wrong with ME! I’m human, I’m a good person and no I’m not god damn ugly, i’m not freaking worthless, I wasen’t before and I sure as hell am not now. Eventually the negative thoughts will end and you’ll be just fine, you will take over the world, ;)…eheheheh atleast you know that you won’t treat someone like that…….

The only thing though. The only that really pisses me off now is that yeah he was a hell of a detour as far as moving forward in life goes when it comes to finances being fucked up, goals being slowed, stuff being stolen, credit getting slammed from almost perfect to down right bad, all that is just stuff, that stuff that can be gotten again. But I almost feel like I have no heart anymore as far as having someone or wanting someone. I wonder if I’ll get that back, I probably will, but at the moment whatever.

I feel liberated!

Thank you Everybody…im am glad i also found this site….I am also grieving a past love or 2 past loves..my only girlfriends…Both girlfriends..led me on for years and told me lies, One i knew her my whole life..did all i could to be with her…she got pregnant by another guy saying she would of being me..her mother my God mother, i forgave her and told her i still love you and wanted to be with her…she ended up going away to college and finding someone else to be real 2..even after i stood by her…so was deeply hurt and felt betrayed..how could someone your whole life do this 2 you…so i moved on…and i met my next girlfriend…was very happy..happier than the first 1…but she basically lied to me bout conceiving a child before me..or she didnt have a child..she is still being untruthful 2 me….and i also did my best…both of these relationships ended 2-3 years ago completely..but they still bug me out..i did my best..im like why the worst..i dont dwell 2 much i go out, try to meet new people, wherever, clubs, the mall, the streets, wherever i can to keep going and to make my life better, i havent met the girl for me yet…and im only 28..haha i know thats young..but my mother raised me to have loyal faithful morals and ive been this way since i was little kid…and i always follow my heart..and now i will lead it with my mind first…and im happy i found this page..i will use your experiences to enhance my life..i am not alone..i will find love again and i will be happy again….so thanks everybody…(A Man on the Dawn of a New Day)

I am at the end of my tether in a long-distance relationship with a man whom I love dearly but who, I have concluded after a year and a half, loves (and is capable of loving) only himself. Somehow we feel that when we love someone deeply it must be reciprocated. But that isn’t always so. It’s worse because with the end (and I have resolved to end it) of this relationship, I now face my third period of grieving in as many years. About three years ago my partner of 12 years (with whom I had a great relationship) killed himself. After agonizing grief I met a guy who I somehow felt was “sent” for me, to take care of me. He was a little unusual, but seemed (at first) admirable in many ways and very loving. After a while it began to dawn on me that he was a liar and very self-absorbed if not narcissistic, with sadistic tendencies. In the end he dumped me (by email). More grief.

To those who are suffering the grief of a breakup, I can only say that to an outsider your leaving will often seem the obvious and right thing to do! Outsiders have the advantage of not being blinded by loyalty, tenderness, vulnerability, all the things we mistake for love. It definitely helps to write a list of the ex partner’s faults. When I wrote down the faults of the liar/narcissist I listed over 50 things in half an hour! Then, with just as much care, write down your own GOOD points. Then compare the two lists and ask yourself, with as much like an outsider’s perspective as you can muster, why on earth you would be with this person.
Prayer also helps, and an effort to look a few months down the track. Don’t think, tomorrow I will wake up and he will not be there. Think, in six months it will be Christmas and I will take a trip somewhere if I have not already met somebody.
All of your reflections have helped me, so I hope this helps someone. And thank you for the thread.

Why does it feel so bad to walk away from a relationship you know is no good?. I have been with this girl for over 7 yrs now. She has stolen from me,taken advantage of me,used me,humiliated me. Why cant I just stop loving her? I love her so much I look the other way and let her walk all over me. How do you redevelop the self-respect to walk away. I am so afraid of being alone, of noone ever wanting to be with me again that I continue to hang on and put up with it. I pray for strength,it never seems to come. I have ALWAYS been there for her if and when she needed me. When I feel like Ive had enough ,she turns on the charm and sucks me right back in. I want to walk away but I dont want to give up loving her. Confusion is a way of life for me. It hurts to think about being alone. Any one else ever feel this way?

Happened on this site while looking for advice on getting out of a bad relationship –AGAIN and with the same a-hole. This time, it has to be, as I have lost ALL self-respect. Really, the “relationship” is going nowhere, yet I DRED the aftermath! This is the 2nd break-up in 6 months. He cheated on me with an old girlfriend — took her to Atlantic City and he wouldn’t even take me around the block! The woman is married and lives in another country. She comes to visit and have pre-arranaged trysts with him. Broke up over it, and was pretty OK with it, until I had to call him (computer stuff that is now not an issue) Got back together, but I wasn’t going to give the way I gave in the past. It wasn’t that I accepted it, but thought I could get through it. Well, not only is she coming back soon, but last night he went out and stayed at ANOTHER WOMAN’S HOUSE - said he woke up in her bathroom and decided to stay until 5:00pm tonight. Don’t need to be hit in the head with feather, but it’s just hard for me to accept that I’m unloveable, even to a loser! It sucks, but at this point, I’d rather be alone than accompanied by this asshole! Wish me luck- it’s going to be a bumpy ride! I’d also be open to any advice on getting self worth back. Thanks!

A big reason I think that people have such a hard time with break-ups is that even after you get over the person, you cannot get over the dream (the thought of what the future could’ve held) It’s almost this perfect reality that you created in your head that you just can’t let go of even after you have let go of the person. You have to realize this before you can truly get over them.

I was with a woman for 2 yrs. She was my first love and just by meeting, we realized we were gay instantly. We fell madly in love. We went through so much together. We came out to friends and family. We learned to accept who we were. We grew so much and learned constantly from our relationship. We planned on getting married and already had rings. My future was set and it was very comfortable. Right towards the 2 yr. anniversary, according to her, she started to fall out of love with me because the feelings were too intense. She didn’t know how to tell me so she pushed me away enough so I would break up with her. Then, the day after I broke up with her, her friend spent the night and they have been together ever since. I am completely lost. I do however; understand that my X is incapable of feeling strong emotions. She has now found another emotionally immature person to share that with. I hate to think that those two years of her life will be the only ones she’ll ever allow herself to feel that intensely. Being numb for your whole life is a very sad thing to do to yourself.

The hardest part about all of this was that she lied every single inch of the way. Instead of just being honest, she dragged me around for a month before actually telling me that they were together and she might be falling in love with her.

I think my best advice for getting over a break-up consists of three parts: Surround yourself with positive people, positive energy, and positive influences. Find yourself. Take all that love you had for that person and turn it around on you. You deserve it after all you’ve been through. Turn it around. Take your life back. Take this time that the universe has purposely granted you and use it to find yourself. Make yourself ready for the next one that comes along by developing who you are. If you truly know who you are, it will be so much easier to find Mr. or Mrs. Right. If you are still looking for that companion for RIGHT NOW, realize that you need to take a break to heal. Be your own companion. You will never purposely betray yourself. You will never stab yourself in the back. You have the power to give yourself all the love you need to heal and get through this. Be gentle and take care of your vulnerable self. Make sure you get enough sleep. Eat right. Exercise daily. We all have our week moments. When an intense emotion overwhelms you, let it flow through you but then let it go. Take a deep breath and release as much of it as you can. Then, call a friend or family member. It helps to hear a friendly voice. Even if you don’t talk about the situation, it helps you to see that someone else out there cares about you and does treat you right.

Congratulations, you are one step closer to discovering the new amazing you that you could’ve never been if you were still in that relationship. Learn from this experience. You will be a better person because of it. If they were “the one”, you would still be together.

After reading all of the entries I came accross one from Houstongirl it was written in 2005 she was 681 days out of the relationship and still missing him. Well today I am 365 days out and although most of the time I am okay today, I miss him like crazy. I wonder how a relationship/marriage can fall apart even if the love is there. Most of the time these entries are one sided and to be honest the mistakes that were made in my marraige were both ways. I think I created the issues at first and he was the one that kept the anger going throughout our 6 year marriage. I have never loved anyone the way i loved him and I never will again. Even after a year apart I have NO desire to find someone that I could give myself to. I have a girlfriend now Love her get along great but I will never feel that way toward her. I will never allow myslef to feel that ever again. It is weird to think that a year ago I was watching fireworks with him hoping that he was going to change his mind about leaving me.

What did I do when he left…. I drank ALOT. I think I was drunk for a good three weeks. I got rid of all the things we had together, I painted our bedroom. I sent my kids to stay with grandparents I was completley empty. My chest hurt to breath, I hated being awake. I honestly thought I would not make it. And I can tell you today I feel the SAME way.

there have been so many days that I have had break down, tears for no reason, pain. I just keep pluggin away. One thing I have realized is the realatinship I am hurting for is not the realationship I was in. I am huring over the realationship I have imagained in my head. And KNOWING that I am still hurting. I always believed in true love…. blah blah blah… no I just want to be compatable. Someone I can enjoy and who can enjoy me. Nothing “made in heaven” “forever” any of that crap.
I sound a little bitter and believe it or not I am not. I just know better. I loved my husband with every inch of my mind body and soul and if I can’t make it work with that… nothing will work.

Friends…. that’s a joke… Within one month I had lost my best friend of 12 years because of the break up.. I got my husband a job with her boyfriend.. and I guess something had to give and it was me.. Whatever I guess she was not a friend at all in the first place. It is weird the person I could tell anything to gone.. Now I have ppl I can tell some things to. NO ONE knows my entire true feeling except me.

My best advise to all of you is. Don’t try so hard to “get over it” or “let it go” just learn to deal with the loss and find a place for it in you that doesn’t make you cry EVERY day. I am not sure if it ever goes away completley, I guess I will know more that answer in another 365 days.

Life is too short, live for today !!!

I’m returning for the first time in three months just to express once again, THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!

That said, I am happy to report I am happy. Not every moment of every day, but in a way that is ironically deeper and richer that it could have been had this horrid experience not occurred in my life. I don’t go for that pollyanna, bright-side “everything is a learning experience” crap; this isn’t some sentimental Band-Aid to slap over that bleeding gash in your heart. However, there is real opportunity for genuine growth inside these nightmarish relationships.

If you are reading this and you are in a relationship with an abusive or narcissitic lover (clues: he/she loves you “too much,” constant untruths he/she doesn’t seem to comprehend as falsehoods, history of many failed relationships, always blaming others and especially you, anger and violence, and most of all MAKING YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF OR CRAZY WHEN WITH HIM/HER), no matter how much you think it will hurt, no matter how much you think you can work it out, no matter how much you think you love him, GET OUT NOW. Just do it. After that, seek healthy ways to heal your heart. You are really going to need them. Give yourself compassion, patience, and time. Give yourself supporting people who genuinely know how to help. Give yourself a break.

My path has been mindfulness practice. It has been illuminating, inspiring, and given me the desire to experience joy once again. I can’t say I wish him happiness quite yet–I am human after all–but I can say I forgive him, I can let it be, and I can bless him.

My energy and love are much better spent here, where I hope my story may touch someone else trapped in that hellish wheel of abuse, and help them get free and find joy again.

May you be safe from harm.
May you be well.
May you be peaceful and at ease.
May you be happy.

Oh, yes. AND DON’T CONTACT YOUR EX!

It’s been 18 years since I lost the love of my life. The first year was worse than HELL. The 2nd year hell, and it’s gotten somewhat better year after year since then.

I think of him often still.

I wonder how my life might have been different had we stayed together. He married, and am sure there are almost adult children in the picture, but not sure if he’s still married.

I loved this man with every pore in my body, and honestly, I still love him. Though I have been in relationships since him, and am now in a a long time one, I never loved as I loved him — I can’t emotionally, mentally, and spritually afford it. When we split, it took soooooo much out of me. It altered me in every way. Mostly, just coping with the day to day of him being gone.

I still think of him very often. I never resolved the end of this relationship, and I suspect I never will. But it’s OK now. I guess that’s what first loves are like.

All I know is this man shaped me, for better or worse, or both. My life was not the same before him, during him, or after him. He made me suffer, but I never could hate him, and today, I only wish him the best.

Love is a difficult thing to understand, and even though the hurt never seems to go away, it does get “tolerable”. I guess it’s just apart of me now.

one year and eight months- I still love him.
He is the worst most beautiful person that I’ve ever met. Not only can I Not let go of my old dreams- I’ve started dreaming new ones.
Elaborations on the old dreams: he gets help and detoxifies and sends me diamond earings in the mail. Isn’t my dream nice? I feel that he was it- that even though he was such a shit - no one will ever compare. So sad that the perfect guy couldn’t realise he was perfect because he was too busy destroying himself. If he could know his potential he would be a superstar- but for now he is an alcoholic.

It’s been 7 weeks now (1st August) and the pain is excruciating.

I feel like shit warmed up.

Reading through these posts it seems that 2 years is crunch time. Mine was (you guessed it) 2 years in the making, (or breaking, depending on how you look at it).

She was impossible to please - kept raising the bar. I wasn’t a “yes man” type by any means, far from it. But I contributed far too much of myself trying to keep the relationship alive (trying to rescue her?)

In the process I lost myself. Sold my soul, so to speak.

In my eyes she was beautiful, witty, razor sharp, intelligent, different and misunderstood. Petite chiseled face with piercing blue eyes and messy blond mop top.

In reality she was charming, tough, uncompromising, entitled and unattainable. Kylie body with Simon Cowell’s nastiness and Judge Judy’s scariness. A real bitch (just like my mum!! hmmmm.) Mad as a cut snake. Zero care factor. Zilch empathy. She saw the devil under every blade of grass. Suspicious of everyone and everything. The only person I’ve ever felt a deep connection with.

When it was good, it was pure magic. When it was bad, it was horrid.

My divorce after 16 years marriage 5 years ago seems like a walk in the park compared to this breakup.

Why?

You know when you can sense when someone is troubled before being told? Not so with this lady. She kept that well hidden. Always the element of surprise with her. I could tell when something wasn’t quite right, but never knew exactly, or what punishment I was in for. I got used to it, dismissed it, forgave it, but it still impacted. She always got the desired effect. Pain, confusion, deprivation. It was like being in a concentration camp.

I’m thinking of the poor girl she “terminated” because she’d turned up for their lunch date but had already eaten. This poor lady was shown no mercy for her transgression. And yet when she turned up 2 hours late (and tipsy) for a date with me she didn’t think anything of it. Not even an apology. (Actually it was all my fault for not offering to pick her up so that she could be on time).

All the negatives she crucified in others, she was guilty of herself. The ultimate self-serving narcissist.

She can’t receive love. She doesn’t trust love.

But these are her issues and not for me to fix.

My issues are another story. And I can’t be loving the unlovable for the rest of my life.

Her dumping of me was swift and incisive.

Meantime I’m left reeling and trying to move on. So many questions. I want to contact her but I won’t. I have too much self-respect for that.

I believe one day she’ll see that my love was pure and I was worthy. But she won’t ever admit that to me. That’s ok.

It was a wild ride. I almost didn’t survive. But I believe going through the pain, feeling it totally, letting it teach you all about yourself and surviving it makes you a better person.

Not sure if I’ve answered the original question some 50 pages back, but I hope this helps someone.

So i wrote in just about 3 months ago on the year break of my marriage. That was a horrible day. All day I fought the tears back and finally when I got home I broke down, cried uncontrollably and then…..

I came to terms with the way things are. Dont’ get me wrong I still think and know he was my one and only. My destiny that I didn’t see in the beginning, but I now accept the fact that things are they way they are and there is no changing them.

Since I have posted my original message I have often checked back thinking that somehow “our” connection would lead him to this site and he could see my love for him. HELLO are you kidding me.. that stuff only happens in the movies..

I think the thing that has healed my hurt the most is taking some of the blame off my shoulders.. not nessisarly putting the blame on him but just not all me.. I am not the failure that I believed I was for sooo long.

I have talked to him a couple of time since my last posting and on the phone I am okay( i have sick daughter and he calls to check every now and again) I can talk to him like I can talk to all my ex’s.. Now if I seen him with some chick it may be a different story I could see myslef having a bad night. But I believe that is my last hurdle.

I can say that I have found a place inside myslef for the love, the loss, and the person. I am okay and I still love him.

well my gf broke up with me because i guess i didnt make her happy. but she was a bitch because she cheated before and came back to me and right after we broke up she got a bf so ..what i do is ignore it and tell my self damn im a lot better then her and think of all the awfult stuff that happend between us.

There is no pain greater then the pain of heartbreak. Accepting the end of a relationship, no matter how dysfunctional and wrong it may have been, is one of life’s greatest challenges. Its always been hard for me to let go of relationships even knowing it was making me miserable. However at the ripe old age of 36, after years of unbearable sorrow, emotional turmoil, gut wrenching weeping, journal writing, counseling, talking with friends and family and even medication, I’ve finally realized to get over someone you have to: 1) accept reality. Sure, my ex was amazing - loving, kind hearted, thoughtful, gorgeous, romantic, etc. But he was also, and much MUCH more importantly, a liar, a user, a manipulator, selfish, conniving, completely self absorbed and in no way a man I could have ever been happy or secure with in the long term. You have to look at things as they truly are, not how you want them to be, how he promised they would be, etc. 2) stop telling yourself he or she will change. They won’t. 3) when your gut tells you something is amiss, LISTEN. Your gut is SPOT ON. 4) if the unhappy outweighs the “happy” for any length of time, exit stage left. What’s the point in staying in a situation that makes you miserable? Isn’t the point of a relationship to be happy and fulfilled, not anxiety ridden and disastisfied? 5) if you’ve given it a fair shake and it didn’t work out, MOVE ON. Sure you’ll need to “feel your feelings” - be sad, cry, talk to your friends about how devastated you are but don’t dwell in the misery or allow it to spiral out of control. Don’t stay mired in your depression, because there is so much in life to be happy about! 6) Accept it wasn’t the right relationship. You will save yourself precious time and tons of emotional energy by letting go of someone who was wrong for you 7) get ACTIVE. Find an interest, get a hobby, read, write, exercise, party, visit with family and friends, volunteer. If you have too much idle time, you’re going to start thinking of him or her and its so easy to get right back down in the sorrow of it all. Remember, YOU have control over your reactions and how you spend your time. He or she has already usurped enough of you. and 8) and this is ABSOLUTELY THE MOST IMPORTANT THNG YOU CAN DO TO MOVE AHEAD - Do NOT contact your ex. It might end your suffering temporarily but its only a bandaid - a quick fix to stop the agony - and it is the worst mistake you can make. It will only serve to set you back to square one, give control over to the other person and afterwards, you will regret it. You’re done with that person. There’s no point in returning to something that is OVER. So when the urge hits you to call or text or email him or her - STOP! Force yourself to immediatley stand up, put on your shoes, walk out the door and: take a long walk, drive to visit a friend, go to the library, see a movie, go by a sexy new outfit - anything that occupies your brain and gets you out of the temporary temptation of “I need to talk to her or him”, because you DON’T. And remember, it didn’t work out for very important reasons that are ABSOLUTELY 100% IN YOUR BEST INTEREST. There are so many great singles out there that will be such a better fit - that will be a positive part of your life. Let go of that someone you don’t belong with because even if it doesn’t seem like it, you WILL get over it and you will be SO happy that you didn’t end up with that person.

All of your thoughts sank into me. The words make me feel not so alone. Not so damaged.

I loved this woman dearly. I gave her a year of my life and what she gave me back, in hindsight, was emotional abuse. She used her cancer a(she is recovered) and other sad events as a shield or excuse for her depression, bitchy behavior and drinking problems. I kept thinking, if only I did this, I could break through to her heart. She told me she loved me. But now I sense so many lies. I feel striped of my dignity. She used me like a whipping girl. Never taking responsibility for her part in any disagreement. The funny thing is, we never discussed anything because she would threaten me– to leave, kick me out, or tell me it was my anger that was the issue. In reality, she was the angry one. The distrustful one. Never saying she was sorry. Never to take responsibility for her actions. Only to lay the blame on me or others who dared offend her. In short, she was as she acted–not as I wished her to be. I have a letter from her to remind me again and again-what she was–a bully. THE VERY THING she says she despises so.

What is sick-I made a list of all that she did that was rude, inconsiderate, and abusive and yes the list is still not done after 3 weeks of venting….yet I still miss her. Still I find the good in her and weep. WHy? Am I crazy?

Reading your posts, make me realize, the world is filled with other kind hearts….so I hope I can be protect myself in the future from people that are simply mean. I can’t cure what ails them. Only they can. And when you try, this type of person loses respect for you–because all they think of is themselves….a narcist…I showed her the definition of one–to hopefully make her do some soul searching of things that went wrong in our relationship..even saying I could relate to some of those characteristics…instead she saw her boss. I never said another word and endured another 6 months of walking on eggshells and never being myself….and trying to please her…and be what she wanted me to be.

Please God, send me my soul mate……I have been looking for so long…My heart is breaking.

I think the only way to really get over someone you loved is to try as hard as you can to work things out…in every possible way. To know you did that and the other person could not or would not reciprocate, did not love you enough or did not love you at all, makes leaving a bad relationship the opposite of depressing. It feels liberating.

I loved a man with all my heart. He took that heart and stomped on it time and time again over a period of years. He’d Houdini, treat me badly, say and do emotionally abusive things. And yet I still loved him. Forced myself to walk away from him several years ago — and yet, for the next several years — still loved him. Didn’t even want to date anyone else because they didn’t “compare.”

He reappeared last year. At first, wonderful caring, full of all the right words, wanting our relationship to progress, etc. I sat back and let him do the work. I gave him only minimal encouragement and really, in retrospect, very little if any emotional investment. I looked at is as a time for him to give back all the good faith effort I gave for all those other years.

At first, he did. But soon - very soon - he exhibited verbal abuse, threats to leave, controlling behavior. I stood my ground on those issues, told him they bothered me. To his credit, he usually didn’t do them again.

Instead he did something else he knew would bother me! It was almost funny. And while it was happening, I just kept observing, talking over his daily behaviors with friends, keeping a journal of the crazy-making, abusive, weirdo behavior.

I knew I had to go all the way to the end of our journey together, to understand what it was that made him do what he does, to recognize and properly assign our roles.

To do so, I had to stay as emotionally detached as possible, but responsive, and be a subdued version of my normally overly-giving, overly-caring, responsible self.

I had to let him swim us to safety or sink us on his own accord.

He sunk us, slowly but surely, with gaslighting, attempts to control and mentally abuse, lies, secrecy and his other women.

When I finally understood in my heart that this was NPD, that it was not going to get better, that he didn’t really know how to love, I pitied him and still loved him.

But I walked away without feeling there was any hope, or any stone left unturned. I left knowing any human being deserves so much more out of life and love, and that when push came to shove, I finally have enough real self-worth to choose me over a destructive relationship with a narcissist.

There’s hope. Hold fast to it and don’t let go.

I am 25 yrs old and in march of 07 i ended a 10 year relationship with someone that currently attends the same church. At the end of the relationship, I cheated on him because he was so emotionally abusive. I stayed loyal for 10 years and just became this Hoe minded person. I stayed with the person that i cheated on my ex with until June. In june I met my soul mate. I am a mess! I love my soul mate so much but i have so many issues and one minute i am up and only thinking about him and then the next minute i am down thinking about the past and flirting with guys with just body language. Its hurting him and killing me because I am over my ex its just that every now and again I think of his name and I get happy when I get attention from guys. I love my new person and his family and I have grown so much within a 6 month span now that i am with him. What is wrong with me??? I just want to move on with my new guy and forget the past and get married to him and be happy. Its just this one road block … memories and the fact that he constantly goes out of his way to get my attention at church to say sorry for what he has done. i figure after the first ten times he would stop and leave me alone. My boyfriend does not like when he comes up to me, because he begins to think that we are talking behind his back. He’s been through alot but I pray every day that God will help this relationship and i know i should have been honest with my new guy about my emotional situation and my past but i was angry and in denial. He just wants me to be honest and i do telling him my every thoughts and it only brings him anger and pain. I NEED ADVICE!!!

Food Lover- I am not sure why you are in such a hurry to be committed. I personally think everyone goes through a stage where they are “not so perfect” . Maybe that is the stage you need to go through so you no longer crave attention from other men. I learned a hard lesson one time… and it has stuck with me… The grass is never greener on the other side, it’s only as green as you grow it in your own back yard. Translation… you can ruin ANY relationship you just have to stop trying…

As far as you new boyfriend.. If you want any hope of it being long term you HAVE to 100% honest, even if it hurts him. Sounds like the last couple of relationshiop have been jacked up. You don’t want to start this one out the same way.. You don’t ever want to have “to keep your stories straight”. Just be honest be open be loving and if it should be than it will be.

Find a place inside your self for the old, be okay with that place, and understand that place, but don’t let it ruin your today

I come back to this page when I am feeling weak again. I can not stop thinking of my ex girlfriend. My friends don’t understand why I miss her. They think she treated me poorly–and so do I in hindsight. But yet, why do I miss her? Why do I want her abusive, bossy self in my life. Surely, I deserve better. But I feel like fate has thrown me a curve ball.—that we are supposed to be together.

I ready SHelley’s take, and Shelley–I did go the extra mile. I left the door wide open. Problem is, my ex never thought she was in the wrong. She was very comfortable being a victim. Everyone was against her if they did not act as she thought they should.

SO I am left feeling empty and lonely. How could I let myself be so used? And still want more…in the hopes that she has suddenly realized that working at a realtionship and communication with me is what we should have done..and that she would miss me enough to try again. So I try to think of other things…but it is so hard at this time of the year. Tonight I was missing her so much–I broke down and got an astrology reading done on line—about her and myself. I have never done that before. Will be interested in what it says….that is desperate…is it not? I so want to call her. To speak with her. Yet I know she would be mean…so why can’t I let go? WHy do I look at the phone every time and think it might be her…or open the mail box hoping it will be some letter confessing her unrelenting love? I suppose another woman on this page wrote–because we were in love with what we wanted…and don’t want to let that dream go….I guess I don’t. BUt it seems there will be a new face in my dream–for I fear I will never hear from her again. I guess I should be greatful…except I love her.

ME

January 1, 2008 is our 18th anniversary. It took me many relationships before I chose to marry him. At the time he was thoughtful , caring, generous and very loving. There was nothing he would not do for me. We have a beautiful 15 year old daughter and she refuses to have any thing to do with him because of this situation.

He started to change in 1998 and this is when he had his 1st affair. i found out about it because the she stabbed him and he was in the hospital when his mother called me. She didn’t tell me when she called what had
happened but I knew something wasn’t right when i arrived there with our daughter and heard one of the nurses say here is the wife now. All of the hospital personnel that were at the nurses station became quiet and watched me as I walked with my mother in law into the treatment room. There he was badly beaten, blood everywhere from the 8 inch gash in his arm screaming ‘please forgive me i love you and she got mad because I was ending it with her’. I was shocked and my emotions were so confused that I walked out of the room and out of the hospital. My instincts were to keep going but my step daughter and mother in law talked me into allowing him to ‘come home’ with me because he wasn’t a ‘bad’ person and that he only made a mistake and I should forgive him.

i have never fully trusted him since this time but we were getting along until March 27, 2007 when he became very hostile picked a fight with me and left. Even though he was not in the household he was here everyday had his meals and would leave in the wee hours of the morning. he told me he was living with my stepdaughter. 3 weeks ago i found out that he is living with another woman. When I approached him about this he denied it but finally with me pressuring him for the truth he admitted that he was living with a friend. Yet every morning he is here in front of the house to take me to work even though I have asked him to stop coming around and to leave me alone. i feel betrayed
and stupid and cannot understand why he did this again. He has totally turned his back on our daughter and has no contact with her.
she has told me that she doesn’t want to see him because he doesnt care.

i made a big mistake and called him to try to talk this over and he told me that he isn’t happy in his current situation and that part of him wants to come back but he cannot
until he gets a job making enough money??

Why am Hurting like this? It is so apparent that it is over yet I hope that this will change. This is the 3rd day that I haven’t contacted him and it has been so hard not to. But I know that is in my best interests to move on.

i read the posts almost daily and I have gained strength and it helps to know others have gone through this and made it. But it still hurts and I AM SO TIRED OF THIS BEING ON MY MIND CONSTANTLY AND CRYING CONSTANTLY.

I won’t go into details of what happened but I will say that the end of a relationship is like having your best and most dearest friend pass away. It’s an instant death and an instant shock to the system.

It’s been a month for me now and I still cry myself to sleep most nights. I still feel like i have been hit by a ton of bricks when a really sad love song plays on the radio And sometimes I still wake up and reach my arm out to where he used to lay and feel the emptiness inside and out.

One thing i especially have realised is that in mydepths of depression I can find it really easy to overlook the bad things about my ex or the bad times we had because I feel alone and really miss the companionship. Don’t get me wrong there was plenty of great times but if we go back to the drawing board to start again we know we shouldn’t take second best and that next time we can find someone even better. I won’t give up on that hope.

We know alot of eachothers friends so I know the day may come when I hear of him being with someone new and that thought breaks my heart all over again but it’s a reality I have to face and I think the part that upsets me the most is the ‘what if’ he is happy again before I am, but the truth is I can be happy now without him and the more I occupy my thoughts with who he is with and what he is up to the more powerless I become as to how I can be improving my life and setting myself up for the fantastic guy who may be just around the corner. That’s an opportunity i really don’t want to mess up because it’s hopeful, it’s real and it’s a new clean slate to start a more loving, more fulfilling relationship than the last one you had.

I want to say that it’s really easy to blame yourself sometimes especially if you knew at times that you were just trying to be the better person and give them another chance and by doing that you compromised yourself and put your needs last, but i think we all have that intuition that tells us when to let go, especially in my case I had a really good opportunity to end things with my ex before it got worse 10 times over and I made the choice to be compassionate, forgiving and give him the benefit of the doubt. Now that the rose tinted glasses have come off I see now that was my universal warning that this man was not for me and I made the choice to stay. And I blamed myself immensely for making that choice to stay but it did me no good and only served to make me look back to the past and think ‘what if i’d done this’ or ‘what if i’d done that’. To hell with all that, there’s not a thing you can do to change the past except accept it, move on and get over it.

Whatever your situation, whatever grief you suffered, I pray that you will hold onto hope, because in those moments of despair it’s the light shining at the end of the dark tunnel.

Positive affirmations make a world of difference, write up your own or print someone elses off the net, surround yourself with pictures or stories of things that inspire you and give you hope.

Cry and cry till you can’t cry anymore. Let yourself feel weak because you will appreciate the moment when you start to feel strong again.

I have started throwing myself into exercise again, riding a bike, jogging, martial arts. Knowing I can now bash the living daylights out of someone if they try to rape me in a dark alley has made me feel alot better.

Watch a crap load of stand up comedians or shows that make you laugh, laughter really is the best medicine.

Look after yourself and love yourself. You’re all in my thoughts and if you don’t feel strong enough to have hope then I will pray for that hope for you.

xoxo

Lisa - your comments have really struck a cord. I’m going through it right now - I’ve not quite made the break, mostly because he hasn’t had the guts to come and break up with me. While I drive myself insane thinking about him, he keeps coming back to me, for a night here a night there, then doing things like this:

last friday he came to the cinema and we got a bit stoned and drunk. Halfway through he went to the loo leaving his coat and stuff on the chair. And he never came back. I was texting him where are you etc, and he sent me back a few texts then switched off his phone. U’d have to know him, but hes done this kind of thing so often when hes wasted - basically he’ll just go and just get pilled up and ignore me for days. Then come back to me for the deep pillow talks etc .But I hadn’t done anything, like rowed with him this time and I was going nuts, so I went home and got drunk and the next day his phone is back on but he’s not answering.

Then I get this text saying “sorry its over. didn’t mean to hurt you”, which just made me scream. And all the time I’m thinking look maybe he’s just doing this because he’s fucked on drugs right now etc. and my heart is pounding and I’m also so angry so i go down to his house. And hes sitting there with his mate getting stoned, not a care in the world and just wanting rid of me big time. And I’m furious so what do I do - go and get absolutely pissed and get trigger happy with texts not just to him but to his friend and my friends and just fucking myself up even more.

The cinema thing was just a tip on the iceberg - the week before xmas he also decided to break up with, again without bothering to tell me. We had a row and he did the phone switching off, getting wasted business, but come mon/tues he still wouldnt respond. We were both supposed to travel to my home town together, and i was going nuts so I went to his house in tears. i really just wanted to make it up, and I’m apoloising for upsetting him and pouring out my heart on his deaf little ears. He tells me he’s tired and we’ll speak later. Then never calls me back. Long story but he came back home wit me. I looked at his phone and found all these texts to this girl he works with - that week when I was hearbroken and in bits he was taking her for drinks. He totally insisted they were just friens and I wanted to believe him . I really did, but in the end came the inevitable row, and he just drove off the day after xmass leaving me totally fucked up and an emotional wreck, and stuck in my home town left with all the stuff we’d driven down with, having to try and get home alone. And where did he go - straight back to his partying and his new “friend”. While I ‘m going nuts and losing my mind and breaking down in tiny little pieces.

Which is what this relationship has done to me, and yet here I am still fucking loving him to bits, almost obsessed by him. Missing him like crazy and just wanting him to love me like he did in the beginning when we got pilled up and wasted together and lay in bed all day telling each other our deepest dreams and thoughts. I’m here fucked up and alone and heartbroken and not even caring about my life. Just wanting him to even respect me enough to break up with properly and let me shout and scream and cry and let him know that he fucking hurt me.

Because that might just give me back some of my self respect and sanity and belief in myself and the world again.

Sarah,

My 38 year old ex initially told me he was an ex heroin addict and it turned out he was still using, that lie was the first of many to come. I think we can all safely agree that most drug addicts are children who have never learnt to grow up. I could never get the answers to my questions from my ex, breaking up was something I had to figure out for myself. He loved to also switch his phone off at the best of times to ignore me.

Please tell yourself over and over again you don’t want to be with someone who can’t respect you enough to actually answer your call and say hey I don’t want to be with you anymore.

Not long after I had my abortion (which he wanted me to have) my ex sent me text messages accusing me of killing our child. I was an absolute mess because I believed he was saying to me after all we’d been through, after I’d given up on a child I would’ve liked to have with him, that he did want to have it after all. The guilt was overwhelming and it was enough to make me feel suicidal for some time. I wanted to drive my car as fast as I could into a brick wall and never see the light of day again and believe me there was times I got very close to doing just that.

Eventually he admitted to me one day that he’d only told me that so I would hate him and leave him alone. It was all a lie. You think by the age of 38 a man could learn to atleast be honest.

I’m very grateful that I didn’t follow through on my feelings at the time because 2 months later I am single and having the time of my life. I’ll admit i still think about him everyday but as time goes by I think of him less and less. As much as he hurt me I still wish him happiness and although I won’t forget what happened I atleast forgive him, to hold onto that hurt and anger was taking too much of my precious energy that I could be putting into other areas of my life.

I cannot stress enough the power of positive thinking, please write it down and repeat it to yourself everyday when you wake up or everytime you feel down, things like ‘I am strong and conifdent in myself, I cannot change my past and don’t dwell on it, i believe in myself and truly believe i deserve to be happy”. Even if you don’t believe these things now eventually you will.

I have my own list but you can write your own up or find some on the net, whatever works for you.

Sarah. Don’t wait around for his apologies, I can tell you now he really doesn’t care if he hurt you or not or he would’ve been more careful of hurting you in the first place. Accept you gave this relationship all that you could and now you will put all that time and energy into learning to love yourself again.

Forgive me for sounding like a bad shrink but then again why do you think so many people see counsellors and therapists, because all that self improvement stuff really works if you have hope and believe.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself,
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the strees and the stars,
you have a right to be here,
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world,
Be careful, strive to be happy.

x
Lisa.

It’s absolutely amazing that I found everything I was looking for here. Took me a couple of days to go through all these and believe me, I needed this cuz most people don’t understand- and I thank God for that. I wouldn’t wish what I went through with that man on anyone. I’ve had alot of relationships and I can honestly say that was the most confusing, hurtful, damaging thing I have ever known. It’s been three months, I have been up and down, doing well when I don’t hear from him, then when I do, everything spirals out of control. I become self destructive instantly. I relive all the things he said and did to me, and all the fears of the things he threatened to do to me and my kids consume me. I think narcissism is just another word for terrorism. I feel terrorized by this man. And I feel betrayed by my own mind and heart. The guilt I have over allowing this man into my life is unbearable at times. It’s a double whammy. But, I totally agree that we are works in progress and I am not giving up by any means. Not my problem that he’s an abusive idiot. I will learn from this and I will eventually get through it. Peace.

Thanks Lisa

Things have changed a lot since I posted that comment. I really felt so alone and heartbroken and just crazy in the head. We’ve all been there I guess…

I found out the truth about his lies and that he slept with someone else. Which made me kind of sick. He ended up coming back, but there was no way I was giving him what he wanted. Because he doesnt know what love is. I wasn’t blinded anymore, always making excuses for how he behaved, and giving him the benefit of the doubt. Its taken a while but I really feel like i can take him or leave him now and the shoe is on the other foot, so to speak. I’m seeing other guys and really don’t want to know him anymore. One thing I’ve learnt is that my standards have gone right back up. I’d run a mile from any guy who shows even the tiniest sign of fuckup-ness.

I agree with everything you say. Certain guys are just fuck heads, and the longer you are with them the more they wear you down and you lose yourself and your strenght and confidence and esteem. Its like they take away everything from you that attracted them in the first place by their head fucking behaviour and their inability to love anyone except themselves, if even that. And then all you are to them is a safety blanket and an emotional punch bag for all their negativity and defaults and mistakes. And that my friends is the core of a bad relationship. And yet I seemed to almost feed off it and to need it. So maybe finding that inner strenght, hard though it is to face and to bear is the only way we can ever free ourselves of it. In one way, I fought this so hard because I have had good relationships with good guys and I knew in my heart that this one was wrong. And made the mistake that I thought he could change. Trust me, these guys are so emmotionally derelict that they don’t even know right from wrong. Never ever believe a word they say. And hey girls - treat them as they treat you. Turn your fone off. Have an affair. Go out and party. Go get your life together and you’ll never look back.

Sometimes letting go is so fucking hard, but its the best and only thing you can ever do. And facing the truth hurts like hell, but it will lberate from you from a bad relationship.

:-)

Silime

I really really hope that you can get back your self-confidence and your belief in youself again. Trust me you will need every ounce of strenght to get yourself away from this guy.

A bit of advice -even though you don’t feel like it right now and he’s probably occupying all of your thoughts, but try and go out and do things for you and for your inner self. Anything you can like a course or a new job or just going out with friends. Try and meet a man who will be everything that he’s not.

And this probably sounds a bit shallow, but seriously try and get laid again - you have no idea how that one act of being with another man will lay so many ghosts to rest and dispel a lot of the God worship you probably feel about him. He’s not the only man in the world, much as he probably thinks he is, and as long as he knows that you are there waiting he will just go and do what he wants and use and abuse you as it suits him. Listen - do yourself a big favour and tell him to fuck-off. Find the strenght to do that because he won’t hesitate to do it to you… and you probably know that already.

Really really hope you get it together and get happy again. Its possible - trust me. Get angry and get even and get over him!!!

Thanks Sarah,
Great advice. There are some really fine men out there!! And believe me, they are more than happi to assist me in getting over a woman hater and beater. I haven’t gotten to the point where I feel I’m ready to trust again, but that’s ok- I’m not sitting around the house waiting for that p.o.s. to call me. He tried to get me to come back to him about 3 weeks ago. Saying all the same ol’ things about how good it all was. (FOR HIM-cuz i know for a fact that it sucked for me!! I was and still am scared of him) Guess what my answer to him was- I finally told him to fuck off- Told him that all my girlfriends at work and my supervisor finally got the truth out of me about all those bruises he put all over me and that I didn’t think for one second that his 16 yr old son really believed me when i told him that i got those bruises at work. He didn’t wanna hear that, i could tell. He left me alone for about 2 wks after that. I pray to God he forgets me completely soon. After 3 and a half months, his hateful emails and text messages are rare. He’s hooked up with someone else. I can’t help her- but i feel for what she’s about to learn. It makes me sick. Someone should be able to stop him from doing what he does- it’s evil. As for me, There’s alot to be said about doing constructive things. Someone said “Good living is the best revenge” I like that alot!! Bought me some golf clubs, seriously thinking about a horse to take on weekend trail rides and looking into some art classes. I know it’s stupid and i shouldn’t go out drinking- but i do about every 2 to 3 weeks. I have a good time with my girlfriend- I love to dance- and i always meet several great lookin/ nice guys- course i once thought that about the x that turned out to be one mean s.o.b.
Thx for ur input. I need to communicate w/someone that understands- cuz I don’t think my counselor even does.
HUGS-
Barb

Some Devil-Dave Mathews

One last kiss one only
Then I’ll let you go
Hard for you I’ve fallen
But you can’t break my fall
I’m broken don’t break me
When I hit the ground

Some devil some angel
Has got me to the bones
You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

Too drunk and still drinking
It’s just the way I feel
It’s alright
Is what you told me
Cause what we had was so beautiful
Feel heavy like floating
At the bottom of the sea

You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Is such a long and lonely time

Some devil is stuck inside of me
Why can’t I set it free
I wish, I wish I was dead and you were breathing
Just so that you could know
Some angel is stuck inside of me
But can I set you free?

You said always and forever
Now I believe you baby
You said always and forever
Such a long and lonely time

Stuck inside of me

You know what is sad, the fact that such horrible emotions have been felt by so many but it is finding things like this when you go to leave an abusive situation tha saves you, allows you to feel the understanding of others without having to divulge your personal feelings. I left my emotionally abusive situation and I can honestly say it was the ahrdest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I am what was considered by my closest friends to be a strong empowered female and the part that scares me most is reflecting back on how I changed. I found that as much as people can say it takes time to get over someone etc that having a game plan before you do anything helps so muc. when you are leaving someone your in an emotionally heated situation and that person becomes what you were always looking for from them because they do not want to loose you making it incrediably hard to leave. When you are in such an emotionally invested situation your judgement is no longer clear. I realized I was in an emotionally abusive situation and knew for a long time before I left mine and when I gathered up the courage I found a support base, my friend who would help me unconditionally and I set forth. I decided before I even talked to him about breaking up that I would have one conversation about it and I would not get into a long emotional conversation, I made ammends with myself that I could not help him and with that I told myself that there is no reason to listen to what he has to say because no matter what it won’t change. I made him meet me and told him very coldly that we were through, I found that shutting off my emotions when doing this saved me from dealing with his, I pretended i didn’t care. I walked away and blocked all of his phone calls and avoided all times we could be together until I was actual out from under his control (over a year). I know it might not have been the most healthiest way and I know it was a horroble mean breakup for him but sometimes to get out of something horrible you have to do things out of character. I suggest you keep your friend completly occupied, give her little reflection time until the time period of susseptibility is gone that is what I asked of my friend and it was the greatest help I had in my escape. Good luck

God I hate days like this… You would think by now that I would let go already. It doesn’t help that a few months ago Feb and March he was telling me that he loved me. I don’t understnad why I just can’t walk away. I know better in my mind… I know that he will never be what I want or need.. I seen my ex (or almost two years now) with another girl for the fist time last night and my heart has felt empty ever since. I just wish this feeling would go away forever.. it is never going to be.. anyways just wanted to vent. I will probably be back..

Day Two.

Hurts to breathe.

:(

I am reading a lot of the posts and feel rather pathetic about this, but I am still trying to get over a relationship that ended 6 years ago. I still think that this was the man that I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with, that was the love of my life and the only reason why I am not with him is because I ruined it. Truth be told, I was in a bad place some of the time, emotionally, but I never warranted his physical and emotional abuse.

Things started off like he was my prince charming, taking me on trips, buying me things, absolutly spoiling me. But when we would fight, it was awful, really when he would drink. I am not somoene who could step down and take it, I gave it right back, but when he would lay his hands on me, there was nothing that I did to deserve that. I saw that now, but there is dtill aprat of me that thinks I did. I guess that is the abusive mind, that he was able to manipulate me so much that I feel like I did do things to deserve that.

I try every day and some days, weeks, months, not years yet go by and I do not think about it. Then there are those times where I feel less than adequate as a person and all of the sudden I fall back into the visicous cycle of self-doubt and loathing that brings me to my knees.

He is married now and I hear that he is happiest ever. That hurst even more because he never felt the pain, the physical pain of having someone you love stand over you and beat your head to the ground with his foot. Hit you so hard you would litterally go in and out of conciousness. Stand over you and tell you that you deserve this beating. Walk away from you and pretend that it is your fault, and it is not my fault. It is not my fault that he beat me that bad, but it was my fault that I went back, that I sit here today and think about how much I love him and wish that he were with me and not his wife. I DO NOT WANT HIM BACK! I cannot make him feel sorry for what he did, and he does not. I cannot make him relive this in his head becuase I do. I cannot make sure that he gets his back. I CAN move past this and realize that there is nothing in this world that would ever make me take him back. That he is the one the lost out on me. That he can lie, cheat and hurt everyone else around him, but that will never be me! That he can fool the whole world except for the persona that knows him best, me. I know that I am better off without him and I do not need to love what I have in my head of him, that the reality is that he is an egotistical, lying, cheating and abusive man who probably has a hard enough time every day remembering what he has lied aboiut and how he will make people think that he has it all together. I know that everyday I will live my life looking forward and never looking back on his sorry ass. He is no longer worth any of my time and I cannot control anything that has, will or might happen in his life, only mine.

So while this may not help anyone else, it really helped me to wrap my head around this. I have had a hard time with trust and love. I am with a wonderful man that would never even so much as think about what he did to me. I have been too consumed to really let him in. He is wonderful anf maybe I feel like I deserve the abuse as I do not deserve to be happy, but I do. Doesn’t everyone? I’m not an innocent angel but I think that everyone deserves a second chance in life and this is mine. This is mine and I am not going to let him steal anymore of my time or happiness. Maybe that is really it, the abuse has broken me down so that I did not feel worthy of another man, of happiness. That all of this has been an affect of the abuse and why I have felt this way. He broke me down so much more than I have ever been willing to admit. He is still controlling me. He was controlling me. He was……………………………..never again

He has a new family now…his new girl has a child. He seems proud and happy. I think he will leave them broken hearted one day like he left me. I wish I could warn her, but the warnings never help anyway. Meanwhile he looks really happy which breaks my heart. I can’t help but wonder why she is worth loving and I was worth nothing. I know I am a good person but when someone you love uses you…you feel worthless because they treated you as if you were worthless. I know I am not worthless but I still keep wondering why she is worth loving while I have been forgotten. I was worthless to him but I never did anything but love him and treat him like a king so i still do not get it. If there is nothing wrong with me and I am a good person then why did he think I am worthless? Or maybe his new family is BS like everything else in his life- something to pass the time while he gets drunk. Maybe she is a drunk too. Being a drunk couple cannot be all that great…”We are drinking our selves to death together…” Pretty f-ing morbid. Anyway, it makes me sad that he seems tobe having a real relationship with someone because I was there for him and loved him and he just used me and threw me away. Why does she get his effort and love? Why did I get nothing?

The pain that I have experienced over the last six months is almost unbearable. I have given myself to God. He has helped me survive this ordeal. Without Him, I would have given up by now. I learned through this experience, of trusting a man for the last four years, that there is only one truth. This truth can only be found in relying on God. My relationship with God has grown into a full-grown love which will never fade. My initial feelings of pain were much worse than any physical pain. I would have gladly traded a broken leg at any point in this long road. My faith in God is so much stronger as a result in finding failure in human lies. Thanks to God I am alive!

After 27 years in an abusive marriage, physically,sexually,emotionally,psychologically, my soul died and I had to leave. I cut off any contact with my ex husband and that is the only way I knew I could endure and not be worn down and manipulated into returning. It was horrific, that has left me scarred for life. I have very little self confidence and lo and behold, when the “prince” showed up, I was taken aback. He was everything I ever wanted in a man. Beautiful, loving,caring,passionate,kind,funny,sexy, and he was the opposite of everything I had ever been exposed to. Then, one day, my eyes opened. I realized that he was a sociopath. Yes, after all that I had been through, I ended up with someone who hurt me more deeply that the husband did. For I had been dead inside for the husband, and had long since past feeling anything for him, but the boyfriend, is another story. It was so good and yet so bad. I am ashamed, and amazed that I allowed myself to get into that relationship. The problem, as a result of abandonment(emotionally) from my mom, I realize that I am codependent. I am suffering from the pain of the breakup of the boyfriend now going on 6 months, and blaming myself and learning so much. In the marriage, I was not allowed to express any negative feeling toward my husband, not allowed to react, and forced to “get in a better mood” quickly, so he could have what he wanted, which was vile, and unusual, and I was accustomed to “walking on eggshells” and reacted to slightest moods of his. This was, as I found out later, a learned behavior of many years of survival. It has quickened my intuitions, and I can read moods in people in a deeper level that most people, but at the same time, it makes me feel responsible for their behavior,feelings etc.
These posts are heartbreaking and my advice to all is to stay away from these people that push all the wrong buttons of your heart and get on the track of recovery. It is the only way, and quite frankly, my last recourse. I am tired of these conversationss and memories playing over and over in my mind.
God help us all with these effects of the “bad people.”

watch soulmate drama…

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