Please god no! I can’t do it! That’s not my caption, just my thought on trying to provide a caption to whatever the hell is happening there.

When Inordinately And Undeservedly Wealthy People Collide

“I’ll show you how straight I am…”

I TOLD YOU, Dr. Dobson is gentle, now get in the stirrups!

“Tom, would you settle for being called a metrosexual at this point, or is it absolutely imperative that your reputation be restored as a raging hetero, hence the jumping (in such a very manly fashion) onto and off of my studio couch, which has not, may I say, seen this much action since I may or may not have gotten bizzay with Dr Phil back in the damn day?

Oh, and also , GET UP OFF OF ME, YOU FREAK! SECURITY!”

“DAMMIT, OPRAH, IF I’VE TOLD YOU ONCE, I’VE TOLD YOU A DOZEN TIMES: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE FILIBUSTER OR THE NUCLEAR OPTION!!! NOW ARE WE CLEAR??!!”

“I absolutely do all my own stunts with Katie. See? This is how we start our ‘War of the Worlds’ game. No, Oprah, now you’re supposed to just swoon while I attack with my ‘deadly weapon.’ Anyway, Katie knows what to do — that’s why I love her so much!”