There’s a new Pope, Benedict XVI. And while I’m not a Catholic (Episcopalian - Catholic Lite, as a friend so nicely put it last week), there was plenty of interest to observe in the recent succession process, particularly in the intersection of faith and celebrity all over the television, as any number of talking heads lined up from their respective perches on various Roman and Vatican rooftops to speculate on the latest Papal book, and to offer the most recent tidbits of Latin that they’d picked up on the fly, probably using some kind of Vatican-For-Dummies on the plane on the way over. My personal favorite was “Extra Omnes,” the phrase used to dismiss all of the non-deliberating, non-voting folks from the Sistine Chapel before the selection process began in earnest. “It means ‘Everybody Out,’” said, CBS’ Bob Schieffer at one point on Monday, which I found kind of funny. I’m going to start using that at my house on a Saturday night when things get rowdy. “Come on, now, Extra Omnes, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Extra Omnes, Extra Omnes.”

But for all the talk about the possible selection of a minority candidate, or at least of someone non-European, whether from South or Central America, or from Africa, the chances of someone not in the mold of John Paul II being elected were fairly slim, since he went out of his way to anoint a whole bunch of pretty conservative people in the last few years, no matter that they might have been people of color. Cardinal Francis Arinze of Nigeria was being touted by some as a bright hope for a new direction in the Catholic Church, but don’t let the diversity ticket fool you. In an address at Georgetown University in 2003, Arinze spoke of the family “under siege,” “scorned and banalized by pornography, desecrated by fornication and adultery, mocked by homosexuality, sabotaged by irregular unions,” as if all of these things were of a piece, not to mention that they are all, needless to say, evil and equally so. And by the way, what exactly is an “irregular union”? Elsewhere he has referred to homosexuality as a “disease of the soul,” which is just lovely and charming. But don’t worry. They didn’t pick him. Maybe he was too moderate. Or maybe it’s just because he’s black.

But that’s not really my point. My point is that there was indeed and at one time a modicum of resistance to the coronation of Ratzinger, and from relatively close to home. Retired Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini of Milan was touted in some quarters as having the potential to emerge from the left, having previously hinted at advocating Vatican III, and calling into question the notion of papal primacy, both of which temerities naturally scandalized the old guard and brought down all kinds of shame upon his head. Maybe that’s why he now lives mostly in Jerusalem. But mostly I wanted the prelates to elect Cardinal Martini because that would have been so blessed cool. Happening bars all over the country, indeed all over the world, would have been inundated and deluged with requests for the new in-drink, the Cardinal Martini, a little bit sweet, a little bit sour, a little bit salty, with a twist of impertinent liberation theology, up, shaken, not stirred. And when he came to choose his papal name, I prayed, oh how mightily, that he would in his wisdom choose the absolute hippest and coolest Pope name ever, so that when the little functionary would come out onto the balcony and say, “Habemus Papem,” we would get to hear the words we had so longed to hear with the introduction of the new Holy Father. Pope. Ketel. The First. Ketel I. Ketel One. And you know there would never be another Pope Ketel after Ketel One, because Ketel Two makes no sense at all. So I guess we just missed our chance not only for some kind of detente at the Vatican, but also at the invention of not one but two new drinks. It’s really kind of soul destroying, in a way.

But does anyone listen to me? No, they do not. Keep the faith.

UPDATE: The new pope appears to have an email address, for those of you interested in writing to him about his poor choice of papal handle, or about his distaste for rock and roll music, or the fact that his policies and pronouncements are likely to have a serious impact on the spread of AIDS in Africa. The address comes in both English and Italian as follows: benedictxvi@vatican.va, or benedettoxvi@vatican.va. Use it.

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